Question: What’s an auditor? Answer: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Question: What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Answer: Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Question: When does a person decide to become an accountant? Answer: When he realises he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Question: Why did the Accountant cross the road? A. To bore the people on the other side!
Question: Why do Accountant’s make good lovers? A. They’re great with their figures.
Question: Why do audit firms only have 10 minute coffee breaks? A. If the breaks were longer, they’d have to retrain all the staff.
Question: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Answer: Depreciation.
Question: What does an accountant use for birth control? A. His personality.
Question: What does an actuary do to liven up a party? A. He invites an accountant.
Question: What does CPA stand for? A. Can’t Pass Again.
Question: What happens? A. Nothing, they are all fictional characters.
Question: What is the difference between a CPA and a shopping cart? A. A CPA holds more beverage.
Question: What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? A. Jail.
Question: How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant? A. The actuary is the one with a personality.
Question: How can you tell when an accountant owns a used car lot? A. She keeps turning back the gas gauge.
Question: How do you drive an accountant absolutely insane? A. Tie him to a chair, and fold a road map up wrong in front of him.
Question: How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert? A. An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you, an introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.
Question: How does an accountant deal with constipation? A. He works it out with a pencil.
Question: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? A. Depletion.
Question: What do you call an Accountant who marries an Actuary? A. A Social Climber.
Question: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? Answer: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?How many did it take last year?
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: ”This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old”. ”Where did you get this exact information?” ”I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.”
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. ”What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter ”Public Practitioner,” is the reply. ”Name?” He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. ”Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve … Read more
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?They find bookkeeping too exciting.
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with … Read more
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn’t find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn’t produce it. … Read more
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. ”Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” ”Well, how does this sound?Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, … Read more
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?”Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, ”Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, ”That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”
Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don’t 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will
How do you know accountants have no imagination?They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, ”Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, ”That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. ”This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, ”What were their jobs?” ”One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” ”I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says … Read more
Why accountants don’t read novels?Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ”Want to hear an accountant joke?” The guy next to him replies, ”Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is … Read more
‘The auditors have just left, sir.” ”Did they check the books?” ”Very thoroughly.” ”What did they say?” ”They want 15% to keep quiet.”
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: ”No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn’t be tax deductible, but I like your thinking”.
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?Lost
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?”What kind of answer did you have in mind?” Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.
An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation. ”It was late at night”’ says the pilot, ”Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.” ”I’m sorry,” says … Read more
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. … Read more
What’s an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
Why do accountants make good lovers?They’re great with figures.
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to ”The Unknown Soldier”. At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: ”Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg”. The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, ”As a soldier, that … Read more
When does a person decide to become an accountant?When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?His desk is level
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. ”Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” ”Have you tried counting sheep?” ”That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.