How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel … Read more
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bridge What’s come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?I never make rash promises!
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it?Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?Saw the legs off of your bed!
Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory! When did this happen?When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. ”Doctor, you’ve got to help me!” he wailed. ”What seems to be the trouble?” asked the doctor. ”I keep having the same dream, night after night. There’s this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I … Read more
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate … Read more
Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?Why?Because I’ve been at my computer all day and I’ve got a splitting headache!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a dog. How long have you felt like this?Ever since I was a puppy!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a rubber band Why don’t you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
What is a double-blind study?Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, ”Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” ”That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then … Read more
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. ”Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. ”Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” ”I don’t see why not,” … Read more
Doctor, Doctor I’ve got bad teeth, foul breath and smelly feet. Sounds like you’ve got Foot and Mouth disease!
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a python You can’t get round me just like that you know!
The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. ”Remember,” the doctor said, ”don’t get excited, don’t get mad, and forget about baseball when you’re off the field.” Then he added, ”By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and … Read more
Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much left.
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?None – They just have a nursing assistant do it.
Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week?Patient: No, I’m sick now.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.
The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. ”Now, Mr. Jenkins,” the nurse practitioner warned, ”you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt.” The old man shrugged, ”If she dies, she … Read more
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You’re too tents.
Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I haven’t told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. ”You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. ”What took you so long to answer?” ”I was … Read more
Jack: ”My brother was sick and went to the doctor.” John: ”Is he feeling better now?” Jack: ”No, he has a broken arm.” John: ”How did he break it?” Jack: ”Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the … Read more
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog! Sit!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m turning into a frog Your just playing too much croquet!
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. ”This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”
Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis. Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?
Doctor, Doctor you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well. That’s quite enough out of you!
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back. ”Step aside, lady,” he barked. ”I’ve taken a course in first aid.” The woman watched him for … Read more
Doctor, Doctor You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking Do you drink a lot?Not really – I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift! Well tell her to come in I can’t she doesn’t stop at this floor!
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: ”I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” ”Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, ”I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. … Read more