Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, ”Why did you do that?” The drunk said very apologetically, ”I … Read more
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. ”Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?” he asked. ”An arrow?” the confused driver said. ”I didn’t even see the Indians
What do you get from a drunk chicken ?Scotch eggs !
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else … Read more
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, ”I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” ”Why you … Read more
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, ”What do you have in there, pal?” ”A mongoose.” ”What for?” ”Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. … Read more
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” The drunk says, ”Look, I can … Read more
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, ”You see that cat coming in the door?It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I’d see four!” The bartender looks, then pauses a … Read more
Mel Gibson wasn’t drunk when he called that police officer, ”Sugar Tits.” He thought he was Chuck Norris.
‘What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?” asked the judge. ”Well, Your Honor,” replied the arresting officer, ”I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, ‘I want to listen to it on my record-player!’ ”
A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a … Read more
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there’s no paper in here either.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ”What’s all the screaming … Read more
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, ”Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out … Read more
Your ugly. And you’re drunk. Yes, but in the morning I’ll be sober !
A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk – can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says: “Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!” “No, no,” says the bartender. “You’ve had too much already.” The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. “Tell you what,” he says. … Read more