A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!
What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas’ sleigh and is made of cement?I don’t know. A reindeer! What about the cement?I just threw that in to make it hard.
A Tampa father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She says the member who brought her to the club for golf had an emergency, and asks whether she can … Read more
A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures he’ll spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response: ”Go stand on the corner for … Read more
I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory.’Have you passed?’ I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. ‘See for yourself!’ he called proudly. ‘No-el plates!’
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, ”Do you want to go to heaven?” The Marine said, ”I do Father.” The priest said, ”Leave this pub right now!” He then approached a second Marine. ”Do you want to got to heaven?” ”Certainly, Father,” was the Marine’s reply. ”Then … Read more
Son to his father as they watch television: ”Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel.”
Father: How do you like going to school?Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!
Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?
Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she’s top of the class. Father: That’s why I think it must be a terrible class.
Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?Santa Claustrophobia !
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, ‘ Mum ! your husband’s just come home.’
At dinner, Seth said to his father, ”Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.” ”How’s that?” asked the master of the house. ”Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?” ”Yeah, I remember.” ”Well, ‘a helluva lot’ ain’t the right answer.”
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
‘I gotta ‘A’ in spelling,” Tony told his father. ”You dope!” he replied. ”There isn’t any ‘A’ in ‘spelling’!”
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn’t want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big … Read more
Son: I can’t go to school today. Father: Why not?Son: I don’t feel well Teacher: Where don’t you feel well?Son: In school!
What does Father Christmas call his money ?Iced lolly ?
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream?Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I’m back in the right row!
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, ”Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?” ”I think so,” the man replied. ”My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.” ”I don’t mean … Read more
What does a baby computer call his father?Data.
My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind. just so long as he’s healthy.
If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?One dollar. You don’t know your arithmetic. You don’t know my father !
Father: ” I know the answer to your bad grades. You’re spending too much time watching television.” Son: ” I’m sorry, you’ll have to phrase that in the form of a question.”
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That’s how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad,” the boy said finally, ”if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up …” … Read more
Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me?Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
Jackie stood quietly as her father examined her report card. ”What is this 45 in math?” asked her father. ”I think that’s the size of the class,” she said quickly!
Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn’t, and I have the fish to prove it!
Father: What did the teacher think of your idea?Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really?, what did she say?Son: Baa!
Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you’d better watch out… there’s a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.
Father: What did you learn in school today ?Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six ! Son: I guess I didn’t learn anything today then !
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. ”Where did you get the money for the bike?It must have cost $300.” ”Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. ”I earned it hiking.” ”Come on,” the father said. ”Tell me the truth.” ”That is the … Read more
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. ”Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.” The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. … Read more
Father and son standing outside the elephant’s cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, ”If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us.”
What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog ?Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund?He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
What do you get hanging from Father Christmas’ roof?Tired arms!
Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I’m on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That’s all right! There’s only one foot of snow!
A father is asked by his friend, ”Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” ”Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies To this his friend responds, ”Strange ambition to have for a career.” ”Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
Teacher: This note from your father looks like your handwriting ?Pupil: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen !
A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she’s too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After … Read more
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?No-eyed-deer!
Why are Father Christmas’ reindeer like a cricket match?Because they’re both stopped by the rein.
Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the … Read more