Question: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? Answer: A redhead!
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn’t figure it was anything he … Read more
Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?A. The cold shoulder.
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, ”No, no, no,” you’re gripping the club way too hard!” ”Well, what should I do?” asks the … Read more
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?SAGE: Clever men don’t BECOME husbands!
A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. ”But why did you stab him over a hundred times?” asked the judge. ”Oh, your Honor,” replied the defendant, ”I didn’t know how to switch off the electric carving knife.”
Three couples are dining together. The American husband says to his wife: ”Pass me the honey, Honey”. The English husband says to his wife: ”Pass me the sugar, Sugar”. The [you name it] husband says to his wife: ”Pass me the steak, Dumb cow”.
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ”Darling, its my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?She would like something electric.” The husband replied, ”How about a chair?!?”
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to ”instruction manuals”
Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?Wife: Your sense of humor.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all … Read more
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, ”Don’t unleash the beast in me.” The wife snickered and replied, ”Unlike a lot of women, ‘dear’, I’m not the least bit afraid of a mouse.”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. ”Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. ”She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.” He continued, ”She communicates well and … Read more
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. ”What’ll ya have?” he asked. ”Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp. … Read more
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She ofered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. ”It has more vitamin C than an orange,” she remarked. ”And more hair than Dad,” added their son.
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. ‘What are you doing’ he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover ‘See, I told you he was stupid’
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some … Read more
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. ”Honey,” she said to her husband, ”when I get my way, that’s a compromise.” ”What is it when I get my way?” he was quick to ask. She replied, ”That’s a miracle!”
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as … Read more
‘Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?” asked Jane’s best friend. ”Why shouldn’t I?” said Jane. ”Well, maybe he is having an affair?” ”No way” said Jane ”he never returns with any fish…”
My husband’s business is rather up-and-down – he makes yo-yos.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. ”You’re running around with other women,” she charged. ”You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. ”You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him … Read more
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ”Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. ”Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at … Read more
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?A bullfighter!
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” ”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say … Read more
One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, ”There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to … Read more
First cannibal: I don’t know what to make of my husband these days. Second cannibal: How about a curry?
Jill tells her husband, ”Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?” ”Gosh,” Jack says, ”why I hardly … Read more
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. ”There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning.” ”Who shall I call,” her husband asked, ”police or ambulance?”
I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they’re doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it’s daylight.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it–until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: ”Honey, I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice, I’ve told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair …”
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. ”You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. ”Go home and show her you’re the boss.” The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, ”From now … Read more
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she … Read more
A blonde tried to blow up her husband’s car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.
A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The husband said, ”I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” ”You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. ”Now, show me which tooth it is.” The husband turns to his … Read more
A husband and wife are in bed watching ”Who Wants to be a Millionaire”. The husband asks for sex. The wife says, ”No.” > Her husband asks, ”Is that your final answer?” > She responds, ”Yes.” He says, ”Then, I’d like to call a friend.”
Attorney to witness: ”What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?” Witness: ”Where am I Cathy?” Attorney: ”And why did that upset you?” Witness: ”Because my name is Susan.”
A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit. They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature. The blonde and her husband just stood their, when she said ”Oh i know.” So she when in the car and rumaged through her purse and came out with … Read more
Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal?Because he ate his ant for dinner!
Many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, ”Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.” After … Read more
‘You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor. ”Why on earth did you get married?” ”I suppose it was the old business of ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply. ”He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ?Your spinning me a yarn here !
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?A. A widow.
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, ”I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his … Read more
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to … Read more
At the inquest into her husband’s death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband’s last words. ”Yes,” she replied. ”He said ‘I don’t know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin…”
Wife to Husband: I’ll have you know I’ve got the face of a teenager! Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back, you’re wearing it out.