There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, … Read more
Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden’s. –Jay Leno
Question: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? Answer: He couldn’t concentrate!
Question: What is a recent economics graduate’s usual question in his first job? Answer: What would you like to have with your french fries sir?
‘You never get anything right,’ complained the teacher. ‘What kind of job do you think you’ll get when you leave school ?’ ‘Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.’
Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory?Because he went crackers.
When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
INTERVIEWER to job applicant: ”Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”
Whats the difference between your wife and your job?After 10 years, the job still sucks.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?1) Get away or I’ll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker. ”Hey,” cried the foreman, ”what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?” ”Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend,” explained Braxton, ”but he can’t read? so Ah’m readin’ the … Read more
When do burgers quit their jobs?The day they decide to meat LOAF!
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat? but you just can’t beat a blow job.
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: ”Mick! I lost me finger!” ”Have you now?” says Mick. ”And how did you do it?” ”I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi… Darn! There goes another one!”
Harry approached a prostitute and asked, ”How much for a blow job ?”. ”Hundred Bucks”. ”OK”, he said and began to jerk off. ”What the hell are you doing that for?” ”For hundred bucks you don’t think I’m going to give you the easy one, do you ?”
What song do burgers sing on the job?Gristle While You Work!
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, ”Have you ever been arrested?” He answered, ”No.” The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was ”Why?” The applicant answered it anyway: ”Never got caught.”
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, ”Really?Where is Monosyllabia?”. Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, ”Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge. He ran back to the White House and demanded … Read more
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading.
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The man says, ”Can you brew tea?” The Irishman says, ”Yes.” ”Good. Can you drive a fork lift?” The Irishman looks at him and asksy, ”Why?How big is the teapot?”
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Why don’t astronauts keep their jobs very long?Because as soon as they start they get fired.
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don’t have to retrain them every Monday.
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. Well,” the man began, ”I did … Read more
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, ”We have an opening for people like you.” ”Oh, great,” he said, ”What is it?” ”It’s called the door!”
What job do rabbits at hotels have?Bellhop.
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles? the next day three miles? the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied ”I just can’t … Read more
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: ”What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?” Andy says, ”I would switch the points for … Read more
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, ”I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”
A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied, ”The weather didn’t agree with me.”
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?Dracula’s dentist.
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all … Read more
Old witch: Now I know you want a job with me. Do you tell lies?Young witch: No, but I can pick it up.
The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name. ”Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan,” he replied. ”How do you spell that?” asked the manager. ”Er ?sir ?er ?can’t you just put it down without spelling it?”
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold ten percent of Arnold’s wages to pay for the … Read more
Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn’t figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
Tyfus applied for a job in a factory. The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked, ”Have your eyes ever been checked?” ”No,” said the worker. ”They’ve always been brown.”
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, ”Mick! I lost me finger!” ”Have you now?” says Mick. ”And how did you do it?” ”I just touched this big spinning thing here… No! There goes another one!”
Mandy was applying for a summer job. ‘How old are you?’ asked the owner of the store. ‘I’m twelve years old, Sir,’ answered Mandy. ‘And what do you expect to be when you grow up ?’ ‘Twenty one, Sir.’
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?He was always standing up on the job!
A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job. Upon his return home, his parents asked him what happened. ”You know what a crew boss is?” he asked. ”The one who stands around and watches everyone else work.” ”What’s that got to do with it?” they asked. ”Well, he just got jealous … Read more
Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary?It was a dead end job.
Q: What is the best Iraqi job ? A: Foreign Ambassador
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Q: Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don’t know the route.