What has 3 teeth and 30 legs ? A methodone queue
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. ”Listen,” said the shoplifter, ”I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?” The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the … Read more
What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn’t any good, it only has sentimental value. Mugger: That’s all right. I’m sentimental.
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy … Read more
Who is the strongest thief?A shoplifter.
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner ?A Kong – vict !
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Burglar ! Burglar who ?Burglars don’t knock !
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one … Read more
It was Rocky’s first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out ”44” and the whole cell block erupted … Read more
Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk?Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn’t you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?Burglar: Your Honour! I’m a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
What was the parrot doing in prison ?It was a jail-bird !
Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen?Criminal: It wasn’t when I took it.
Why do pens get sent to prison ?To do long sentences !
Who is the biggest gangster in the sea ?Al Caprawn !
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning … Read more
When the school was broken into, the thieves took absolutely everything – desks, books, blackboards, everything apart from the soap in the lavatories and all the towels. The police are looking for a pair of dirty criminals.
Why was the robber bionic?He was holding up a bank.
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.
Criminal: Why don’t you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?Criminal Boss: I’m afraid of a double-cross.
What hired killer never goes to jail?The exterminator.
Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs?Criminal: Why?You look good in short sleeves.
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. ”There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning.” ”Who shall I call,” her husband asked, ”police or ambulance?”
Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer?Now he’s a hardened criminal.
The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing the legs off his bed. ”What are you doing that for?” demanded the crook boss. ”Only doing what you ordered,” said the stupid thug. ”You told me to lie low for a bit!”
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it?Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
What three letters in the alphabet frighten criminals?F.B.I.
Why was the robber so secure?He was a safe robber.
What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?One steals from the people, the other peals, from the steeple.
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner? I’m a locksmith, Your Honour. Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?Prisoner? Making a bolt for the door!
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners?Why would you care if a man you’re planning to kill anyway, kills himself?Does it spoil the fun?I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a … Read more
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, ”Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.” The English prisoner said, ”Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go … Read more
Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?Criminal: I answered an ad that said, ”Make money at home.”
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
Who was the world’s greatest thief ?Atlas, because he held up the whole world !
‘Dad,” said Fred to his father, who was a bank robber. ”I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow.” ”OK, son,” said his dad, ”I’ll get you the cash when the bank closes.”
What stars go to jail?Shooting stars.
When did the criminal get smart?When the judge threw the book at him.
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles?So he could break out.
What kind of thief steals meat?A hamburglar.
Why did the burglar take a shower?He wanted to make a clean getaway
What do you call a mayfly with a criminal tendencies ?Baddy long legs !
t was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, ”What are you charged with?” ”Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. ”That’s no offense,” said the judge. ”How early were you doing this shopping?” ”Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
‘What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?” asked the judge. ”Well, Your Honor,” replied the arresting officer, ”I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, ‘I want to listen to it on my record-player!’ ”
What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar ?Robbery with violets !
Did you hear about the calendar thief?He got 12 months? they say his days are numbered!
Judge: Why did you steal that bird?Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, ”This is a muck up!” ”Don’t you mean a stick up?” asked the girl. ”No,” said the robber, ”it’s a muckup. I’ve forgotten my gun.”
‘It’s a pity you’ve gone on hunger strike,’ said the convict’s girlfriend on visiting day. ‘Why ?’ ‘I’ve put a file in your cake.’