Heard of the dyslexic drug addict? He overdosed on F’s
Did you hear the one about the phoney Cupid?He was totally bow-gus!
Q: What did the hat say to the necktie? A: You go AHEAD I’ll HANG AROUND!
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining … Read more
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. … Read more
A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right … Read more
Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world?A. Pennsylvania
What do you call an amorous insect?The love bug.
FredA: Boys whisper they love me. Fred: Well, they wouldn’t admit it out loud, would they?
What is an archaeologist ?Someone who’s career is in ruins !
Why did the teacher decide to become an electrician?To get a bit of light relief.
The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a girl came running out of the house carrying some cardboard boxes. ‘Am I too late for the garbage ?’ she called. ‘No,’ replied one of the men, ‘jump right in !’
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs? they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ”Darling, its my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?She would like something electric.” The husband replied, ”How about a chair?!?”
Clown: Why are you wearing such a large shirt?Second Clown: I always perform in the big top.
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?”I love you with all my art!”
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?Third as many as for a regular bulb.
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma’s bed?Fred: Because I couldn’t find a snake.
Bank manager: I’m sorry, sir, you can’t open an account with this sort of money. They’re wooden pieces! Lumberjack: But I only want to open a shavings account.
Q: Why did the clown cross the road? A: To find his rubber chicken.
Question: What goes up and never comes down?Answer: Up
Why was six scared of seven?Because seven ate nine.
Dad, did you manage to fix my toy?No, it’s not broken, the battery’s flat. Well, what shape should it be?
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener ?He had a bee in his suit of armour !
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, ”how much did you pay for that?” ”I paid through the nose!” he replied
Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. ”I thought I was in love three times,” Bill says. ”Thought?” Steve asks. ”What do you mean?” ”Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me,” Bill says. ”Wasn’t that love?” Steve asks. ”No, … Read more
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl?Because she was a knockout!
So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma’s kitchen. ”Well now, where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” … Read more
Pierre was a camper from France. In his honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn’t sing very well. ‘Does that make you homesick?’ someone asked Pierre. ‘No,’ he answered. ‘Just sick sick!’
Why was the banker bored?Because he lost interest in everything.
Why did the janitor take early retirement?Because he realized that grime doesn’t pay.
What would you get if you crossed a monster with the god of love?A stupid Cupid!
Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realise they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it. After two … Read more
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
What do lovesick owls say when it’s raining?Too-wet-to-woo.
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?Show me your mussels.
Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
What did the bell say when it fell in the water?I’m wringing wet.
Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job. ”Have you any experience in coal mining?” asked the clerk. ”Yeah, in Pennsylvania,” he replied. ”They’re using that new safety lamp down there now, aren’t they?” ”Ah don’t know, mister,” said Coleman. ”I worked on the day shift.”
‘Do you love me more than you love sleep?” ”I can’t answer now. It’s time for my nap!”
If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank?The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger).
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?”I love you a ton!”
How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.the dentist, ”what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?” ”Chocolate, please,” replied the youngster.
How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?Take them out their wheelchair.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She … Read more
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began paying her court and flattering her. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when, after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage. ”Look,” she reacted. … Read more
Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? A: To win the no-bell prize.
Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?Both the books got burned, and one hadn’t even been coloured in yet.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he’s … Read more