Why do so few men end up in Heaven?They never stop to ask directions.
Q. Why do men like love at first site?A. It saves them a lot of time.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months! – I don’t like to interrupt her.
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn’t figure it was anything he … Read more
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband’s trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. ”I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes,” he said. … Read more
How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?Dump him.
What a woman says: ”This place is a mess C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!” What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, … Read more
A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, ”Judge, we want a divorce.” The judge says, ”You’ve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce?Why did you wait so long?” The couple say in unison, ”Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were … Read more
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?SAGE: Clever men don’t BECOME husbands!
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?A hot dog and a six pack.
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, ”Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.” … Read more
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. ”Listen to this,” she said. ”There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.” ”Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing … Read more
Q. Why can’t men get mad cow disease?A. Because they’re all pigs.
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. ”Oh Marie,” she said to her maid, ”I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.” ”I don’t believe it for one minute !” Marie snapped.”You’re just saying that to make me jealous !!!”
But let’s get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ?A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, ”If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.” Casey mumbled, ”If it … Read more
How do you fix a woman’s watch?– It doesn’t matter. There is a clock on the oven.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
She was two thirds married once. What do you mean ?Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didn’t !
Q: Why is a modem better than a woman? A: A modem doesn’t mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn’t complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.
A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. ”But why did you stab him over a hundred times?” asked the judge. ”Oh, your Honor,” replied the defendant, ”I didn’t know how to switch off the electric carving knife.”
Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women ?Sister: Man-eating sharks.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Q: Why do divorced men get married again? A: Bad memory.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ”Why did you have to die?Why did you have to die?Why did … Read more
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. ”Elliot,” she said, pointing ”do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?” The husband looked over and nodded. ”Well,” the woman continued, ”he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!” The husband returned … Read more
A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, ”So what would you like, Julie?A Jaguar?A sable coat?A diamond necklace?” She says, ”Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, ”I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, … Read more
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: ”don’t” and ”stop”.
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, ”Will you buy booze?” The bum said, ”No.” The man asked, ”Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, ”No.” Then the man asked, ”Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”
Question: How many men does it take to mop the floor?Answer: None, it’s a women’s job.
Moe: My wife converted me to religion. Joe: Really?Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?Dating children.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to ”instruction manuals”
I’ve got trouble with the wife again – she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez ”Well… What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?” ”Well, on … Read more
John: ”I’m a man of few words.” Bill: ”I’m married, too.”
Husband: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?Wife: Your sense of humor.
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been … Read more
Wife: ”Do you think of me when you’re away darling?” Husband: ”Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.”
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?Made her chain too long.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying. ”Well,” says the old fellow, ”I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then … Read more
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They’re not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all … Read more
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. ”I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, ”Well, … Read more
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ”I got a cookbook once,” said the first, ”but I could never do anything with it.” ”Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second. ”You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish … Read more