Question: How does a singer change a light bulb? Answer: She/he holds it and the world revolves around her/him.
Question: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? Answer: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Question: Generally speaking, how late does a band play? Answer: About two beats behind the drummer.
Question: How are musicians like linoleum? Answer: Lay them good once and you can walk on them forever.
Question: How can you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? Answer: The horses all seem relieved.
Question: How do you know if a singer is at the front door? Answer: She can’t find her key.
Question: How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you? Answer: They’re still there.
Question: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano’s eye? Answer: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Question: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?? Answer: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven’t been touched.
Question: How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? Answer: The horses seem very relieved.
Question: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? Answer: The good news: it crashed. Answer: The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Question: What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza pie? Answer: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Question: Why can’t many vocalists get through the door? Answer: They either can’t find the key or don’t know when to come in.
Question: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o’clock? Answer: Because most shops close by six thirty.
Question:What’s the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? Answer:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Question: ”Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?” Answer: ”Oh, about half a beat behind…”
Question: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? Answer: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Question: How many reggae musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Light bulb? We spent da’ money on spliffs, mon!
Question: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars? Answer: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Question: What’s the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver? Answer: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses’ asses.
Question: How is a savings bond like a musician? A. Eventually it may mature and make some money.
Question: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Seven – one to change it and the other six to sing about how much better the old one was.
Question: What do you call a musician without a significant other? A. Homeless.
Question: What’s the definition of an optimist? A. A folk musician with a mortgage.
Question: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics? Answer: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.
Question: How many Musician jokes are there? Answer: Just one — all the rest are true!!
Question: What’s the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? Answer: There are some things a pig just isn’t willing to do.
Question: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today? Answer: Clawing at the lid of his coffin.
Question: What’s the definition of a male quartet? Answer: Three men and a tenor.
Question: What’s the definition of an alto? Answer: A soprano who can sight-read.
Question: What’s the definition of an assistant conductor? Answer: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Question: What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of shit? Answer: The sack.
Question: What’s the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? Answer: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Question: What is the difference between the men’s final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance? Answer: The tennis final has more men.
Question: What was the last thing to go through Kurt Cobain’s mind? Answer: His teeth.
Question: What were Kurt Cobain’s last words? Answer: ”Hole is really going to be big.”
Question: What will it take to reunite The Beatles? Answer: Three more bullets.
Question: What do deadheads say when they run out of pot? Answer: What is this awful music?
Question: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? Answer: Not enough concrete.
Question: What do you see when you look up an alto’s dress? Answer: A tenor.
Question: What does a good conductor weigh? Answer: 28 ounces, not counting the urn.
Question: What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone? Answer: ”Well…I didn’t wake up this mornin’…”
Question: What happened to Bach after he had 20 children? Answer: His Organ Baroque!
Question: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee? Answer: It’s scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Question: What is the difference between a soubrette and a cobra? Answer: One is deadly poisonous, and the other is a reptile.
Question: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance? Answer: The performance causes more suffering.
Question: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first? Answer: The conductor…twice.
Question: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What’s the tragedy in this? Answer: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.
Question: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? Answer: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Question: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor? Answer: ”Shhhh! I’m decomposing!”