How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Question: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.
Question: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.
Question: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
Question: If Hitler, Stalin and a conductor all walked into the room in which you were standing, and you had a gun but only two bullets, who would you shoot first? Answer: The conductor…twice.
Question: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What’s the tragedy in this? Answer: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.
Question: If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? Answer: The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
Question: What did Mozart recently say to a noisy visitor? Answer: ”Shhhh! I’m decomposing!”
Question: What’s the next thing a soprano does in the morning? Answer: Looks for her instrument.
Question: What’s the second thing a soprano does in the morning? Answer: Looks for her instrument.
Question: Where is a tenor’s resonance? Answer: Where his brain should be.
Question: Why are conductors’ hearts so coveted for transplants? Answer: They’ve had so little use.
Question: Why are soprano jokes all one-liners? Answer: So tenors can understand them.
Question: Why did Bach have so many children? Answer: His organ had no stops.
Question: Why did they invent keyboards? Answer: So musicians would have someplace to put their beers.
Question: Why do high school choruses travel so often? Answer: Keeps assassins guessing.
Question:What’s the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? Answer:The lipstick.
Question: What’s the first thing a soprano does in the morning? Answer: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Question: What’s the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl’s footpads? Answer: Dr Scholl’s footpads buck up the feet.
Question: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? Answer: Eleven pounds.
Question: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? Answer: About 10 pounds.
Question: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman? Answer: Stage makeup.
Question: What’s the difference between alto clef and Greek? Answer: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Question: What’s the difference between an alto and a tenor? Answer: Tenors don’t have hair on their backs.
Question: What’s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? Answer: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
Question: What’s the difference between God and a conductor? Answer: God knows He’s not a conductor.
Question: What’s the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Answer: Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Question: What’s the difference between a singer and a toilet? Answer: A toilet doesn’t follow you around after you use it.
Question: What’s the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? Answer: Lipstick.
Question: What’s the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? Answer: Jewelry.
Question: What’s the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Answer: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Question: What’s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Question: What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO? Answer: You can negotiate with the PLO.
Question: What’s the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road? Answer: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Question: What’s the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre? Answer: An actor with a power tool.
Question: You’re driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why? Answer: Your director–business before pleasure.
Question: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Question: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Both of them.
Question: What do directors do with dead actors? Answer: Make them chorus members.
Question: What is the definition of a gentleman? Answer: Someone who knows how to act but doesn’t.
Question: What’s black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling? Answer: An actor trying to change a light bulb.
Question: How do actors traditionally greet one another? Answer: ”Hi, nice to meet you, I’m better than you.”
Question: How do you get an actor off your front porch? Answer: Pay him for the pizza.
Question: How does an actor screw in a light bulb? Answer: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
Question: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: Five– one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me! A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say ‘I could have done it better.’ A3: Just one. He stands there, and the … Read more
Question: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room? Answer: Only three, if you slice them very thin.
A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. ”How’d the meeting go?” asks the first guy. ”It went great,” says his buddy. ”Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the … Read more
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a watchdog?A terrified postman.
Why did King Kong join the army?To learn about gorilla warfare.
Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One — but it’s an 8 hour minimum.
Q: How many DP’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, if he’s got a good crew to do it.
Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows?Because at last he was in the noose.