Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
Insurance agent to would-be client: ”Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.
Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn’t come in and closed you up?Waiter: They’re afraid to eat here.
Judge: ”Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?” Defendant: ”Yes, it’s true.” Judge: ”Then, why don’t you just pay him back?” Defendant: ”Because it wouldn’t be true anymore.”
A punk walked into a barber’s shop and sat in an empty chair. ”Haircut, sir?” asked the barber. ”No, just change the oil, please!”
Patron: Didn’t you tell me the chef here cooked for the late heads of Europe?Waiter: Yes, and that’s why they are the late heads of Europe.
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: ”What do you use to feed your pigs?” ”Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?” ”Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them … Read more
Waiter, Waiter there’s a fly in my ice-cream ! Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year !
Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, ”Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?” A few minutes later, Timmy returned. ”Well,” asked Mrs. Silver, ”is she all right?” ”She’s fine, except that she’s angry at … Read more
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup ! Yes, it’s the rotting meat that attracts them !
How much for a haircut?Barber: Fifteen dollars. How much for a shave?Barber: Ten dollars. Right – shave my head.
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?A milk sheik.
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!
Boy monster: You’ve got a face like a million dollars ! Girl monster: Have I really ?Boy monster: Yes – it’s green and wrinkly !
The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars. However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave. As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, ”Don’t worry… it’s … Read more
Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup! Then we’ve served you too much soup, the fly should be wading
What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a toad ?A croaksman !
Diner: Why are the waiters in here so nasty?Waiter: Look at who they have to serve.
Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir, or they’ll all be wanting one.
Policeman: Why didn’t you check your speedometer?Driver: It broke when I hit 100.
‘You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. ”If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.
And how did you find your steak sir?Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, … Read more
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, ”You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car?Because he was a car-case.
Fred: You have the face of a saint. Jill: Really?Which one?Fred: A Saint Bernard.
Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry. The hogs won’t come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin.
Patron: Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass?Waiter: It scares away the flies.
Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?A cub reporter.
First Witch: I like your toad. He always has such a nice expression on his face. Second Witch: It’s because he’s a hoptimist.
Waiter, my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his … Read more
My barber is a specialist in road map shaves. How come?When he’s finished, your face is full of short cuts.
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric … Read more
How does the pig farmer get to the fair?He rides piggyback.
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.
Why was the farmer hopping mad ?Because someone had trodden on his corn !
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: ”And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, ”No peer pressure.”
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she?Dead.
An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem. ”Hmmm…muffler’s loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench.” He says. He crawls out from underneath the truck and … Read more
If – H 2 O – is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?K 9 P
Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?Not him again, he’s in here every night !
What is posthumous work ?Something written by someone after they are dead !
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that?Patient: I’m a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don’t want.
Waiter, there is a fly in my bean soup ! Don’t worry sir I’ll fish him out and exchange it for a bean !
What do you get if you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable ?A common tater !
There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got … Read more
Customer: Waiter, look at this chicken! It’s nothing but skin and bones. Waiter: Would you like the feathers, too?