Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: ”It makes you feel young again.” John looks at Sylvester and says, ”We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!” Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get … Read more
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then … Read more
Waiter, waiter, there’s a bee in my soup. Yes Sir, it’s the fly’s day off.
Why are farmers cruel?Because they pull corn by the ears.
Vampire 1: ”I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died.” Vampire 2: ”How awful!” Vampire 1: ”Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time.”
Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing ”fairly well” for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, ”Do you think I’ll live to be 80?” The doctor asked, ”Well, do you smoke or … Read more
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. ”I’ve never been better!” he replies. ”I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, ”Well, let me tell you a story. I … Read more
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, … Read more
Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak ! They don’t seem to care what they eat do they sir !
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, ”I think I killed your rooster, please … Read more
Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was misrable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down … Read more
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. ”Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her … Read more
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. ”Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 … Read more
Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?Because he wanted a head of hare (hair).
Waiter, what is this stuff?That’s bean salad sir. I know what it’s been, but what is it now?
Q.What do me and a mirror have in common?A.When we see your face we both crack up!
Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup! Yes sir, it’s the hot water that kills them.
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?Pupil: Dead ?, I didn’t even know he was sick !
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. ”Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like … Read more
Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop…suddenly the Town’s Fire Alarm went off … one jumped up and headed for the door … his friend shouted, ”Hey, Tom, I didn’t know you were a fireman!” Tom replied, ”I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is…”
Q. What kind of ears do pumpers have?A. Engineers.
Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary?It was a dead end job.
Customer: There’s something wrong with my hot dogs. Waiter: Sorry, I’m a waiter, not a veterinarian.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. … Read more
Waiter, waiter! There’s a dead spider in my soup. Yes, ma’am, they can’t stand the boiling water.
Why is it easy to break in to an old man’s house?Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
What salesman has the slickest line?A hair grease salesman.
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend’s wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the … Read more
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, ”You can go home now.”
How old is your Grandma?I dunno, but we’ve had him a long time.
Fred’s new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.
America’s oldest lady was 115 years old today, and she hasn’t got a grey hair on her head. How come?She’s completely bald.
Salesman: This jug is genuine Indian pottery. Customer: But it says ”Made in Cleveland.” Salesman: Haven’t you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?
here were these 3 Riverside City Firemen who always went bird hunting together and they always rented a hunting dog name Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would always hold point and find any birds they shoot. One year they did’t go hunting and the farmer rented Rex out to … Read more
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. ”I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. ”But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.” The salesman thought about this for … Read more
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres?Surgical spirits.
What do you call a pen with no hair ?A bald point !
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
I’ve been e-mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare’s dead, silly. No wonder he hasn’t replied.
The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, ”Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?” ”Course not,” replied the Sheriff. ”We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it’s up to you.”
Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary. Policeman: You’re too late – it’s already been done.
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, ”Well, then, let it read ‘Fred Brown died’.” Confounded at the woman’s thrift, … Read more
Why was the lady’s hair angry?Because she was always teasing it.
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, ”Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out … Read more
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?Lawsuits.
Where do ghosts go for their holidays?The Dead Sea.
The judge said to his dentist: ”Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She’s not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: ”Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?” … Read more