Question: Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? Answer: The Country!
Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations. –Jay Leno
Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, ‘You hang up first.’ Then my wife said, ‘No, YOU hang up first!’ Then Obama said, ‘Uh, how about you just hang up at … Read more
As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing. –Jay Leno
But the dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from. –Jimmy Kimmel
Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare. –Jay Leno
Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace. –Bill Maher
Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I’m TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama’s ass. –Stephen Colbert
A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama’s strategy of staying awake through this one paid off. –Jimmy Kimmel
According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president. –Jay Leno
Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, ‘Thank God.’ –Conan O’Brien
After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush. -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama’s State of the Union Address
A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, ‘At the next debate, no more angry birds.’ –Conan O’Brien
A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald’s. To show you how good this guy’s disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter. –Jay Leno
A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. —Conan O’Brien
A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon
Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders. –Jay Leno
Folks, it’s one week before the election, and Chris Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected. –Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump said he’d give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass. –Conan O’Brien
Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama. –Jay Leno
Question: Did you hear about Obama’s plan to end unemployment? Answer: He’s gonna expand the NBA to 32,000 teams!
Question: Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Hilary Clinton introduced? A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff
Did you hear about this? The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it. –Jay Leno
Question: How do Americans discern the real Sarah Palin from the imitators? Answer: The imitators start answering questions!
Question: Did You hear about the Nobel Peace Prize won by Al Gore? Answer: In a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush.
I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon. –Bill Maher
Question: Hillary Clinton wears boxers. Bill Clinton wears briefs. Barack Obama wears thongs. What does John McCain wear? A. Depends.
Question: How can Barack Obama get the rich to pay their taxes? Answer: By nominating them to a cabinent post!
Question: How can you spot Al Gore in a bunch of Secret Service agents? Answer: He’s the stiff one.
Question: How can you tell you’ve just had sex with Bill Clinton? A. You’ve got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.
Question: How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson? Answer: He got down on one knee and said ”I don’t wanna be Obama self.
Question: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? Answer: He married her.
Question: How does Sarah Palin know that the world celebrated Barack Obama’s victory in the 2008 election? Answer: She could see the Russians celebrating from her house!
Question: How does Al Gore get to sleep? Answer: He counts ballot papers.
Question: How does Obama sleep? Answer: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Question: How dull is Al Gore? Answer: His secret service code name is Al Gore!
Question: How dumb is Sarah Palin? A1: She’s so dumb that she thinks the capital of China is Chinatown! A2: She’s so dumb that she thinks billboards are postcards from giants A3: She’s so dumb that she thinks soy milk is Spanish for ‘I am milk.
Question: How fat has Al Gore gotten since his presidential run? Answer: So fat that Bill Clinton is thinking of hitting on him!
Question: How is Barack Obama going to get Republicans to cross party lines and support health care reform? Answer: By giving their mistresses free breast implants!
Question: How do you know Ann Coulter is a republican? Answer: She claims to hate feminists, but is in her 40’s, single, no kids, is very opinionated and outspoken and concentrates on her career.
Question: How do you know your doctor is not a fan of Obama’s Health Care Plan? Answer: He/she has remodeled the waiting room with death paneling.
Question: How is Obama going to make the tabacco industry pay for health care reform? Answer: By allowing Marlboro Miles to be redeemed for health care coverage!
It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow. –Jay Leno
Question: How do you spell the name of the next boss of the United States of America? John Mcain, John Macain, John Mccane, Jon Mccain or John McCain? A. Cindy McCain.
It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Yes, we caved.’ It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate. —Jay Leno
It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood. –Stephen Colbert
It’s not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again. –Jay … Read more
It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very … Read more
It should be in the dictionary: ‘Black-track,’ the act of changing one’s mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: ‘Pulling a one-hatey,’ or the ‘Kenyan boomerang.’ –Bill Maher ”Syria’s President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with … Read more
It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million. –Craig Ferguson