Which insect didn’t play well in goal?The fumble bee!
Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?Paul gas coin!
Why do artists never win when they play football ?They keep drawing !
When fish play football, who is the captain?The team’s kipper!
A true story, according to the LA Times….. Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, ”Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?” Wilkins replied, ”I don’t know and I don’t care!”
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches!
Golfer: ”I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: ”Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?Bring on their subs!
What part of a football pitch smells nicest?The scenter spot!
What lights up a football stadium?A football match!
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, ”It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, ”It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, ”It’s not a raft.” … Read more
How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion!
How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. ”Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?” she asked the instructor. ”P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. ”Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
How do hens encourage their football teams?They egg them on!
How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?Somebody took a corner!
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out ”Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.” Snow White says ”Well at least Dopey’s alive!”
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. … Read more
Our team is doing so badly that ”Manager of the Month” isn’t an award. It’s an appointment!
What did the bumble bee striker say?Hive scored!
Q: What’s the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit? A: One’s a glueless kit and the other’s a clueless git!
What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player Fan: Why’s that?Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today. ”I’ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned.
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?They might be cheetahs!
Why did the goal post get angry?Because the bar was rattled!
What part of a football ground is never the same?The changing rooms!
What does a basketball player do before he blows out his candles?He makes a swish!
What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership?Cold Trafford!
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, ”Old MacDonald had a ________.” Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But … Read more
Golfer: ”Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: ”I didn’t realize you had played before, sir.”
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?Sorry, it was a freak hic!
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. ”Bad day at the course?” his wife asked. ”Everything was going fine,” he said. ”Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.” ”Oh, that’s awful!” ”You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit … Read more
Where do footballers dance ?At a football !
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?Cornflakes!
Q: What did the football say to the football player? A: I get a kick out of you.
What’s tennis players favourite city?Volley wood!
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run!
Tyson’s psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood….good thing he didn’t say two!
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?Player: I finished it in three days!
Golfer: ”Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?” Caddy: ”The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”
Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?All of them, a crossbar can’t jump!
Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ?Because he liked sole music !
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?It was a boxer!
How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.
Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! ”Damn.” A bad skydiver goes, ”Damn.” WHACK!
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?So that they can pack the defence!