A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then … Read more
Someone — always a man — always asks, ”does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, ”No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”
A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel’s clerk about the time of meals. ”Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8,” explained the clerk. ”Look here,” inquired the farmer in surprise, ”when am I going to get … Read more
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, ”Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare’s birthplace?” ”Ay, straight on, sir,” said the rustic, ”but no need to hurry. He’s dead.”
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
There was some mix-up with a woman’s room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, ”Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?” She replied, ”Well, it looks like it might rain today. I’d better get an inside cabin.”
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, ”I know I’m in a luxury … Read more
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He … Read more
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at … Read more
Mrs Jones: Now, remember, children, travel is very good for you. It broadens the mind. Betty, muttering: If you’re anything to go by, that’s not all it broadens!
The frightened tourist: ”Are there any bats in this cave?” The guide: ”There were, but don’t worry, the snakes ate all of them.”
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
‘And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. ”No thank you,” the gentleman replied. ”That will be all.” As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. ”Anything for your wife ?” he asked. ”Yeah! That’s a good … Read more
A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES – $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river. Another man … Read more
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ”What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, ” … Read more
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side … Read more
A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000. … Read more
‘Room Service?Can you send up a towel?” ”Please wait, someone else is using it.”
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: ”They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!” The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly … Read more
Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street?Resident: No, it’s 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.
Tourist: What’s the speed limit in this hick town?Native: We don’t have one. You strangers can’t get out of here fast enough for us.
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. ”Is it true,” he asked, ”that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” ”That depends,” replied the guide, ”on how fast you carry the flashlight.”
What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?I’m sorry to leave, now that I’ve almost bought the place.
Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, ”Why did they build the castle … Read more
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, ”Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.” ”Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. ”How in hell does that fit in here?” So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind … Read more
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: ”How large is the population here?” ”Around 1.5 billion” — the guide answers American, After a short pause: ”So, what else do you do here?”
Father O’Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the … Read more
The tourist: ”Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?”
A man arrived at a seaside hotel where he had made a reservation rather late at night. All the lights were out, so he knocked on the door. After a long time a light appeared in an upstairs window and a woman called out, ”Who are you?What do you want?” ”I’m staying here!” ”Stay there, … Read more
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and … Read more
In Alaska’s National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: ”Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.” To avoid this, he suggested that … Read more
What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort ?The Baaahaaamaaas !
Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when … Read more
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I … Read more
There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before … Read more
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, ”Hey, bud, this is my car!” ”OK,” the … Read more
‘Look, guide, here are some LION tracks.” ”Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with … Read more
Teacher: I’d like a room, please. Hotel Receptionist: Single, Sir?Teacher: Yes, but I am engaged.
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that … Read more
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, ”Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?Would you please pronounce … Read more
Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among … Read more
Helpful advice for travellers: If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you. BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn’t feeling well. ”Would you care for some more supper, ma’am?” asked the steward. ”No, thanks,” replied the wretched passenger. ”Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble.”
‘I can’t believe it,” said the tourist. ”I’ve been here an entire week and it’s done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?” ”Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. ”Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”
A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they’re curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once … Read more
Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy?Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
What steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels?Very large ones.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. ”Not very long,” answered the Mexican. ”But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the tourist. The Mexican explained that … Read more
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. ”Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed. ”No more,” the man said. ”Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner … Read more