Why do so few men end up in Heaven?They never stop to ask directions.
Q. Why do men like love at first site?A. It saves them a lot of time.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you lose fourteen stone of fat?Dump him.
What a woman says: ”This place is a mess C’mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!” What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, … Read more
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?A hot dog and a six pack.
Q. Why can’t men get mad cow disease?A. Because they’re all pigs.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: ”don’t” and ”stop”.
Question: How many men does it take to mop the floor?Answer: None, it’s a women’s job.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?Dating children.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to ”instruction manuals”
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Men are like vacuum cleaners. They’re not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ”I got a cookbook once,” said the first, ”but I could never do anything with it.” ”Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second. ”You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish … Read more
How do you confuse a man?You don’t – they’re born that way.
Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship?A. Telling you his real name.
If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Where’s the safest place to hide money from a man?Under the soap
Men are like power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it’s hard to get them to work.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why did God create men first?Because we learn from mistakes.
Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, ”Will, what will?I’m making a list of people I’m gonna bite.”
How many men does it take to open a beer?– None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why is it dangerous to let your man’s mind wander? A: It’s too little to be out alone.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving. They’d be wrong, but you could still use them.
Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?They stay stuck in adolescence.
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as … Read more
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?A mental hospital.
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. How do men define a ”50/50” relationship?A. We cook-they eat? we clean-they dirty? we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?Close the door.
How do you scare a man?Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Men are like mini skirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?1) Get away or I’ll call the police!!! 2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
How are men like carpet tiles?If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?A. In the pages of a romance novel.
When do men insist that women are illogical?When a woman doesn’t agree with them.
Q: What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?1. No mind 2. No business.
Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.