Question: How did Helen Keller’s mother punish her? Answer: By rearranging the living-room furniture.
What did the mother snake say to her crying baby ?Stop crying and viper your nose !
What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother’s Day?A booquet of flowers.
MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today?FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink! THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof! MOTHER PIG: What?THIRD PIGLET: I’m taking a foreign language.
Why was the mother flea so unhappy?All her children had gone to the dogs.
‘Mah son’s real smart!” crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance. ”He’s only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!” ”What’s his name?” asked the friend. ”Bob.”
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?Because then the children have to play inside.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ”Why did you have to die?Why did you have to die?Why did … Read more
Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?– A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma’s bed?Fred: Because I couldn’t find a snake.
Daughter: I will never learn to spell. Mother: Why?Daughter: The teacher keeps changing the words.
What did the mother ghost tell the kid ghost when he went out to play?”Don’t get your sheets dirty!”
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. ”What part?” the mother asked. ”I play a Jewish husband,” the boy replied. ”Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!”
I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.
Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don’t show it to Dad. He’s been helping me !
If necessity is the mother of invention, why does so much unnecessary stuff get invented?
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…”And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, … Read more
A mother and her son were flying ”Southwest Airlines” from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, ”If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) … Read more
My mother says I look just like an animal when I’m in the bath – a little bear.
Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?…Son: I don’t know. The dentist kept it
It’s for my mother-in-law,” explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, ”My Doberman here killed her.” ”Gee…That’s terrible,” commiserated the spectator. ”But… Hmmmm… Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?” The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over … Read more
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn’t want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big … Read more
Mother: Does your teacher like you ?Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X’s on my test paper !
What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?An Italian mother says, ”If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill you.” A Jewish mother says, ”If you don’t eat it, I’ll kill myself.”
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test?Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?‘Dad, dad, look what marma-laid’ !
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
Mother: ”Why are you home from school so early?” Son: ”I was the only one who could answer a question.” Mother: ”Oh, really?What was the question?Son: ”Who threw the eraser at the principal?”
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn’t believe in Heaven or Hell. ”Marry him anyway, dear.” the Mother said. ”Between the two of us, we’ll show him just how *wrong* he is.”
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son’s shirts, so she had his name legally changed to ”Machine Washable”?
Mother BananA: Why didn’t you go to school today?Little BananA: Because I didn’t peel well.
Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!
Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing, dear ?Jane: Yes, and we’re going again tomorrow. Mother: Really ?Why’s that ?Jane: To try and find the kids we left behind.
Fred: I got 100 in school today. Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in?Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well, at least you can add !
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. ”Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, … Read more
My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana?She left him out in the sun too long.
Mother: Jared, get your little sister’s hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can’t mum, she’s got it strapped too tight under her chin!
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, ”How was I born?” ”Well honey…” said the slightly prudish mother, ”the stork brought you to us.” ”Oh,” said the boy, ”and how did you and daddy get born?” ”Oh, the stork brought us too.” ”Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” the … Read more
My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion. Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.
Mother: How was your first day at school?Son: It was all right except for some man called ”Teacher” who kept spoiling all our fun!
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. ”Nothing,” said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. ”Seriously, what’s wrong?” ”Do you really want to know?Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for … Read more
MONSTER MOTHER: How many times have I told you not to eat with your fingers?Use the spade like everyone else.
One day a wife complained, ”This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.” The husband grunted and replied, ”The darn clock always was slow.”
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She’s very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
Mother: Why was the phone busy all night?Babysitter: The fire department put me on hold.
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn’t find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: ”It’s not my fault, Mom. I don’t have ‘parental vision:”
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. ”Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, ”that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.” ”Oh really?” said the lifeguard, ”from the diving board!?!?”