Question: How do Helen Keller’s parents punish her? Answer: By putting a plunger in the toilet.
Question: What did Helen Keller’s parents do to punish her for swearing? Answer: Washed her hands with soap.
Question: Why was the parent function upset with its child? Answer: It was stretched to its limit.
Question: What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents? A. Silent Night.
Question: What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas? A. A list of everything you want!
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was … Read more
John kept pestering his parents to buy a video, but they said they couldn’t afford one. So one day John came home clutching a package containing a brand-new video. ‘Where in the World did you get the money to pay for that ?’ asked his father suspiciously. ‘It’s OK, Dad,’ replied John, ‘I’ve traded the … Read more
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son’s outburst, his mother said, ”Don’t you dare use that kind of language in here.” ”William Shakespeare did,” replied Ben. ”Well, you’d better stop going around with him,” said Mom.
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. ”How did that happen?, ” gasped her mother. ”It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, ”but three girls helped me catch him!”
Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she’s top of the class. Father: That’s why I think it must be a terrible class.
What do you call a small parent?A minimum !
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he … Read more
At dinner, Seth said to his father, ”Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.” ”How’s that?” asked the master of the house. ”Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?” ”Yeah, I remember.” ”Well, ‘a helluva lot’ ain’t the right answer.”
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
I don’t think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie, and he said we could discuss it tonight in a ”National Town Meeting.”
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. ”Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m … Read more
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Father: ” I know the answer to your bad grades. You’re spending too much time watching television.” Son: ” I’m sorry, you’ll have to phrase that in the form of a question.”
Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, ”Now, remember, son. Don’t wear them when you’re not looking at anything.”
Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me?Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: ”That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and … Read more
Girl: Mom, mom a monster’s just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I’ve just washed the floor.
Sammy: My parents are sending me to camp. Tammy: Why?Do you need a vacation?Sammy: No. They do!
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance. ‘Teddy,’ he called, ‘how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly?Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being.’ There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. ‘That’s better,’ said … Read more
Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
‘What are you reading?” demanded the father of his seven-year-old. ”A story about a cow jumping over the moon,” was the reply. ”Throw that book away at once,” he commanded. ”How many times have I told you you’re too young to read science fiction?”
‘Dad,” said Rickey, ”what is electricity?” ”Uh,” replied his father, ”I don’t really know too much about electricity.” A few minutes later the boy said, ”How does gas make the engine go?” ”Son, I’m afraid I don’t know much about motors.” ”Dad,” said the boy, ”what is anthropology?” ”Anthropology?” The father frowned. ”I really don’t … Read more
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about … Read more
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he’d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, ”Ah, … Read more
Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems?Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad ?Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !
Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train. ”The next train is in one hour,” said the stationmaster. The three went back into the … Read more
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: ”Some parents,” she said, ”tell the older child, ‘We love you … Read more
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ”no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ”Now Ellen, we just have half … Read more
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, ”Gee, you’re dumb, Mom. You don’t know anything.” ”Now, son,” scolded Bentley, ”you musn’t be picky about your mother’s little faults.”
Pupil: Sir, would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents?Teacher: But your parents don’t have a comuter. Pupil: Exactly!
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn’t find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: ”It’s not my fault, Mom. I don’t have ‘parental vision:”
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. ”Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, ”that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.” ”Oh really?” said the lifeguard, ”from the diving board!?!?”
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ”Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.” ”What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. ”I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a … Read more
Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents deep in the woods. ‘How far is it to town?’ Terry wanted to know. ‘Six miles,’ said Debbie. ‘That’s too far to walk,’ Terry replied. ‘It’s not too bad,’ Debbie said. ‘We can each walk three miles!’
A man speaks frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. ”No, you idiot!” the man shouts. ”This is her *husband*!”
Q: What did a blind boy’s parent’s do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired … Read more
Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father ?They called him Dad !
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… [Five minutes later] ”Da-ad…” ”What?” ”I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” ”No. You had your chance. Lights out.” [Five minutes later] ”Da-aaaad…” ”WHAT?” ”I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??” ”I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have … Read more
Why are parents boring?Because they’re groan-ups.
Son: Where are the Himalayas?Father: If you’d put things away, you’d know where to find them.
What did the cannibal’s parents say when she brought her boyfriend home ?‘Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!’