A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up,”what the hell was that?”. The truck driver replies, ”some kinda animal, go back to sleep.” Further the same thing again, bang, ”What the hell was that?”, … Read more
Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you?Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, ”Pig!” The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, ”Moron!” They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next … Read more
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.-
Policeman: Are you going to a fire?Motorist: No, I’m trying to prevent one. That’s what my boss said would happen if I were late again.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going?Motorist: No, you’re the one with the radar.
What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?Hop in.
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, ”Sir, have you been drinking?” And the minister says, ”Just water.” The … Read more
Policeman: Why are you driving on the sidewalk?Motorist: It’s too dangerous on the street.
Policeman: Didn’t you see my lights flashing?Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha
Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase?Motorist: Because you’d catch me on a slow one.
A motorist ran into a shop. ”Do you own a black and white cat?” he asked. ”No,” replied the manager. ”Oh dear,” said the motorist, ”I must have run over a nun.”
Policeman: Why did you crash into that stop sign?Motorist: I was only following orders.
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. ”Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?” he asked. ”An arrow?” the confused driver said. ”I didn’t even see the Indians
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Two cab drivers met. ”Hey,” asked one, ”what’s the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?” ”Well,” the other responded, ”when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.”
Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab?He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, ”Taxi!”
Policeman: Didn’t you see that stop sign?Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
a quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says ”alright John, how you getting on today?”
Policeman: Didn’t you hear me whistle at you?Woman Driver: Sure, but I don’t flirt when I drive.
A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. ”How did you manage to do that?” he fumed. ”Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six – One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he … Read more
Policeman: Why didn’t you obey that stop sign?Driver: I don’t believe everything I read.
Policeman: What do you think you’re doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?Driver: My brakes don’t work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q) What’s worse than raining buckets?A) Hailing taxis!
In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet. As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse. They angrily look one at the other. Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading. The other one politely asks, ”When you’ve finished the paper, will you please … Read more
What do you call a witch who drives really badly?A road hag.
Who drives away all his customers ?A taxi driver.
Policeman: Why have you parked your bus here?Bus Driver: The sign says ”Bus Stop.”
Policeman: Why were you asleep at the wheel?Motorist: Your siren lulled me to sleep.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for?He can’t see my license plate.
Policeman: Didn’t you see the signs with the speed limit?Driver: I thought they were just suggestions.
Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. ”I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, and if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.” When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: ”I’ve circled the block for … Read more
A man walks into an auto parts store and says ”I’d like a rear view mirror for my Yugo.” The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says ”Yup, seems like a fair trade to me.”
Policeman: Why didn’t you stop at that red light?Motorist: Then you would have caught up with me.
What do you call a pig who’s been arrested for dangerous driving ?A road hog !
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register. ”Cash or charge?” the clerk asked. ”Cash,” I snapped. … Read more
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels’ bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man’s milk … Read more
What is an autobiography?The life story of an automobile.
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice: The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers? two thirds are caused by … Read more
‘Take the wheel, Harry!” said the nervous lady driver. ”There’s a tree coming straight for us!”
What do you call a pretend railway ?A play station !
‘When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.” ”If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”
Policeman: Why were you speeding?Driver: I didn’t want to be late for my trial.
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: What ?Go all the way up there and come back empty ?You must be jokin’ mate !