A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, ”Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” ”What?” the man huffed. ”Do you realize that I am a member of … Read more
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space ?He wanted to find Pluto !
What is a twip?A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. ”America,” the husband replied. Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the … Read more
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. ”Senor, these are the cojones,” the waiter replied. ”The what, you say?” exclaimed the tourist. ”They are the testicles … Read more
The frightened tourist: ”Are there any bats in this cave?” The guide: ”There were, but don’t worry, the snakes ate all of them.”
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local person … Read more
Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to ”The Unknown Soldier”. At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: ”Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg”. The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, ”As a soldier, that … Read more
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. ”Here,” he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, ”do you call that pig?” ”Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked sweetly.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: ”They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!” The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly … Read more
Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street?Resident: No, it’s 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.
Tourist: What’s the speed limit in this hick town?Native: We don’t have one. You strangers can’t get out of here fast enough for us.
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. ”Is it true,” he asked, ”that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” ”That depends,” replied the guide, ”on how fast you carry the flashlight.”
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he’d enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, ”You know, it’s been over five years since I first came in here.” ”You’ll have to wait your … Read more
An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. ”This is the breast of the duck? this the leg of the duck? this is the wing of the duck? etc.” Then came the dish that the American … Read more
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there. Yet, he was … Read more
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: ”How large is the population here?” ”Around 1.5 billion” — the guide answers American, After a short pause: ”So, what else do you do here?”
A tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. ”I’ll have fish and chips twice,” he orders. ”Sure, I heard you the first time,” came the reply.
A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, ”Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and … Read more
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and … Read more
In Alaska’s National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: ”Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.” To avoid this, he suggested that … Read more
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, ”Hey, bud, this is my car!” ”OK,” the … Read more
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, ”Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?Would you please pronounce … Read more
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything … Read more
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. ”Well, sir,” replied the villager, ”we ain’t got one now. He died last week.”
A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they’re curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once … Read more
A tourist asks a man in uniform, ”Are you a policeman?” ”No, I am an undercover detective.” ”So why are you in uniform?” ”Today is my day off.”
An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to a farmer in the local pub. ”And have you lived here all your life, Sir?” asked the American. ”Not yet, m’dear,” said the farmer wisely.
Where do werewolves stay when they’re on vacation?At the Howliday Inn!