Stevie Wonder recently told his wife that he wants to see other people.
Question: What’s the difference between a Hispanic girlfriend and a Hispanic wife? Answer: 45 lbs.
Question: Why didn’t JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane? Answer: They figured they would wash up on shore!
Question: What did the vampire say to his wife? A. ”Your neck looks slimmer.”
Question: What does Frankenstein’s wife wear on her face to keep it smooth? A. MONSTERizer!
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months! – I don’t like to interrupt her.
Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?A. The cold shoulder.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife?He was an aunteater.
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man. The wife said, ”He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is … Read more
You Might be a Marine Wife if: 1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you. 2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband’s LES and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited. 3. ”Savings” sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have some. … Read more
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, ”No, no, no,” you’re gripping the club way too hard!” ”Well, what should I do?” asks the … Read more
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?”Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. ”Elliot,” she said, pointing ”do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?” The husband looked over and nodded. ”Well,” the woman continued, ”he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!” The husband returned … Read more
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, ”Darling, its my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?She would like something electric.” The husband replied, ”How about a chair?!?”
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, ”I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on.” The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, ”Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?” The husband replies, ”No – I’m turning the heating off.
Moe: My wife converted me to religion. Joe: Really?Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.
I’ve got trouble with the wife again – she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
Wife: ”Do you think of me when you’re away darling?” Husband: ”Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.”
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?Made her chain too long.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get. Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all … Read more
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, ”Don’t unleash the beast in me.” The wife snickered and replied, ”Unlike a lot of women, ‘dear’, I’m not the least bit afraid of a mouse.”
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, ”Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas?I’ll be home in 1 hour to pick … Read more
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. ”Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. ”She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.” He continued, ”She communicates well and … Read more
A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said ”Your wife’s mind has completely gone!” To which the man replied ”I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!”
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. ”What’ll ya have?” he asked. ”Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one gulp. … Read more
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, ”Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, ”I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.” One year Fred and Edna went to … Read more
What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine’s Day?Rugs and kisses!
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some … Read more
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, ”Ah, m’sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?”
How much fishing tackle can a man accumulate before his wife throws him out?I don’t know the answer but I think I’m nearly there.
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. ”Honey,” she said to her husband, ”when I get my way, that’s a compromise.” ”What is it when I get my way?” he was quick to ask. She replied, ”That’s a miracle!”
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as … Read more
Whats the difference between your wife and your job?After 10 years, the job still sucks.
Do you think, Professor, that my wife should take up the piano as a career?No, I think she should put down the lid as a favor.
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. ”You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. ”What took you so long to answer?” ”I was … Read more
WIFE: ”There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.” HUSBAND: ”Water in the carburettor?That’s ridiculous.” WIFE: ”I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.” HUSBAND: ”You don’t even know what a carburettor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” WIFE: ”In the pool.”
When Mr. Maxwell’s wife left him he couldn’t sleep. ”She took the bed!”
Wife, opening mail, to spouse: ”The bank says that this is our last notice. Isn’t it wonderful that they’re not going to bother us anymore?’
‘Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.” ”Sounds like you may … Read more
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” ”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say … Read more
Why did the jellyfish’s wife leave him?He stung her into action.
I’ve been shopping for my wife’s birthday present. What did you get her?A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didn’t you come to my house – you could have had some of ours for free!
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat? but you just can’t beat a blow job.
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. ”I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. ”Your mother insulted me.” ”My mother!” he exclaimed. ”But she is a hundred miles away.” ”I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, ”I see, but where … Read more
Q: How did a blind man meet his wife? A: On a blind date!
Wife: Who was that on the phone?Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau. Wife: What did he say?Husband: He asked if the coast was clear…
My wife asked me ”What’s on the TV?” – I said, ”Dust!”
What did Bill Gate’s wife say to him on their wedding night?No wonder you called the company Microsoft