I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they’re doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.
When Joe’s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, ”Life isn’t worth living. I think I’m gonna top myself.” ”Don’t be stupid, Joe,” said the psychiatrist. ”My wife ran … Read more
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. ”Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. ”Let’s kill a pig.” The farmer scratched his grizzled head. ”Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, ”I don’t see … Read more
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?A stole.
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it–until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: ”Honey, I’ve told you once, I’ve told you twice, I’ve told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair …”
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ”I’ve got a big problem, doctor.” ”Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.” ”My dear,” the doctor said, ”that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” ”The problem is,” she complained, ”it wakes me up!”
Man l: ”I got my wife a VCP for her birthday” Man 2: ”Don’t you mean a VCR?” Man 1: ”No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!”
Not that my wife’s the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. … Read more
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: ”Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary.” When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting … Read more
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. ”Excuse me,” she said, ”I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?” The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, … Read more
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don’t have a headache!” He says, ”Aha!”
WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie. HUSBAND: Which is this?
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she … Read more
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to … Read more
When Mr Maxwell’s wife left him, he couldn’t sleep. Why was that?She had taken the bed.
A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The husband said, ”I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” ”You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. ”Now, show me which tooth it is.” The husband turns to his … Read more
My wife sez that I’m too extravagant? that if anything ever happens to her, I’ll have to beg. I told her I’d be fine. I mean look at all the experience I’ve got.
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it is damned near impossible.
A husband and wife are in bed watching ”Who Wants to be a Millionaire”. The husband asks for sex. The wife says, ”No.” > Her husband asks, ”Is that your final answer?” > She responds, ”Yes.” He says, ”Then, I’d like to call a friend.”
One day a wife complained, ”This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.” The husband grunted and replied, ”The darn clock always was slow.”
There is a new Barbie doll on the market – House Wife Barbie …dressed in ratty, old housecoat? comes with dirty laundry and sink full of dishes
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, ”Gee, you’re dumb, Mom. You don’t know anything.” ”Now, son,” scolded Bentley, ”you musn’t be picky about your mother’s little faults.”
If George Raft’s wife gave birth to twin Gorillas, would they be the Apes of Raft?
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. ”Where did you get that ring?” her husband asks. ”Well, she replies, ”my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur … Read more
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Two cannibals were having lunch. ”Your wife makes a great soup,” said one to the other. ”Yes!” agreed the first. ”But I’m going to miss her terribly.”
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. ”Sorry, he doesn’t live here anymore, we’re divorced!” Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. ”Look, Bozo! … Read more
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, ”Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!” The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, ”She’s not only … Read more
Many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, ”Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.” After … Read more
What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ?Your spinning me a yarn here !
A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks, he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife sneered in reply, ”Over my dead body !” He downed his drink and replied, ”Well, I see you haven’t changed one little bit.”
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our … Read more
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, ”I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens … Read more
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, ”I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his … Read more
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to … Read more
Wife to Husband: I’ll have you know I’ve got the face of a teenager! Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back, you’re wearing it out.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of ”Polish Remover”.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, ”You know what?You have … Read more
A man asked his wife, ”What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, ”I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The … Read more
Wife: ”Why don’t you ever callout my name when we’re making love?” ! Husband: ”Because I don’t want to wake you.”
A man who forgets his wife’s birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband … Read more
‘I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, ”and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.” ”That’s a shame.” said his friend , ”How did it happen?” ”She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!”
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, … Read more
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. ”I assume,” she barked, ”there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o’clock in the morning?” ”There is!” he replied, ”Breakfast.”
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact ”cheating” on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, ”Well not so much to find out who the other … Read more
What did the Gorilla call his first wife?His prime-mate!
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!
WIFE: ”You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?” HUSBAND: ”No thanks. I’m too tired. Let’s just eat at home.”