I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months! – I don’t like to interrupt her.
A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband’s trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. ”I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes,” he said. … Read more
How do you fix a woman’s watch?– It doesn’t matter. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: Why is a modem better than a woman? A: A modem doesn’t mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn’t complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.
Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women ?Sister: Man-eating sharks.
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. ”I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, ”Well, … Read more
What do you calll a woman that people sit on ?Cher !
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?To feed her nightmare.
What Do you tell a woman with two black eyes ?Nothing, you told her twice.
One woman to another at a singles bar: ”I’m not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with?”
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. ”Honey,” she said to her husband, ”when I get my way, that’s a compromise.” ”What is it when I get my way?” he was quick to ask. She replied, ”That’s a miracle!”
Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Why are women such bad drivers?Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.” The man thought about his first wish and decided, ”I think I want 1 … Read more
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?Divorced.
Why do men die before their wives?– They want to.
Boy: Do you have fever?Girl: No, why?Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth?Fred: I don’t know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?
My wife asked me ”What’s on the TV?” – I said, ”Dust!”
A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: ”Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I’m not eating is when I’m sleeping!”
Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading ”Wife Wanted.” – The next day he received a hundred letters saying ”You can have mine.”
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by up to 90%. – It’s called wedding cake.
OUESTION: What is cosmetics?ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman’s means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?– It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
Q: What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man? A: Stupid!
Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s … Read more
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, ”Never mind, I’ll do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, ”Now what are you mad about?” says, ”If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, ”For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. ”We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, … Read more
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?– She starts her sentence with ”A man once told me…”
Why did God invent shopping carts?To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?– The dog. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Why haven’t Women landed on the Moon?– Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet!
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. ”Now what should I do?” His mother has an idea. ”Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?” He thought this was a great … Read more
Women are like computers — even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?– A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend’s just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks’ time?
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, ”Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, ”Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, ”Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The … Read more
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said ”You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can … Read more
Should I have a baby after 35?No, 35 children is enough.
QUESTION: What is the difference between a ”Battery” and a woman?ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?Internet, telephone, telawoman.
QUESTION: What’s the best way to get a youthful figure?ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. – Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it.
Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
Why did the women cross the road?Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!