Question: How do Americans discern the real Sarah Palin from the imitators? Answer: The imitators start answering questions!
Question: Other than health care what other promises has Barack Obama made to the American People? Answer: Balancing the budget, reining in the banks and putting a unicorn in every backyard!
Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama’s American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change. –Conan O’Brien
Question: What did the Native American say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot? Answer: ”How Come?”
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, ”What are you going to do with the money?” ”Take jewelry to city and sell it,” said the old man. ”What have you got for collateral?” queried the banker, going strictly by the … Read more
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. ”Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. ”You’ve got to stop them.” ”Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, … Read more
Three couples are dining together. The American husband says to his wife: ”Pass me the honey, Honey”. The English husband says to his wife: ”Pass me the sugar, Sugar”. The [you name it] husband says to his wife: ”Pass me the steak, Dumb cow”.
What Central American country has the most spooks?Ghosta Rica!
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, ”Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare’s birthplace?” ”Ay, straight on, sir,” said the rustic, ”but no need to hurry. He’s dead.”
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the … Read more
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. ”Senor, these are the cojones,” the waiter replied. ”The what, you say?” exclaimed the tourist. ”They are the testicles … Read more
What’s the difference between an American student and an English student ?About 3000 miles !
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your … Read more
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ”What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, ” … Read more
The pie scene in ”American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the ”pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.
What South American dance do cows like to do?The Rump-a
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. ”Here,” he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, ”do you call that pig?” ”Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked sweetly.
Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian?They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, ”Tick – Tock” over and over. After about three hours, the first pilot cracked … Read more
In a survey of American women, when asked, ”Would you sleep with President Clinton?” 86% replied, ”Not again”
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy? the other is a bird.
An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. ”This is the breast of the duck? this the leg of the duck? this is the wing of the duck? etc.” Then came the dish that the American … Read more
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there. Yet, he was … Read more
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.) A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn’t … Read more
The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing … Read more
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: ”How large is the population here?” ”Around 1.5 billion” — the guide answers American, After a short pause: ”So, what else do you do here?”
Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary’s sister’s next door neighbors’ priest’s cousin’s union shop steward’s uncle’s Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew’s best friend did it real cheap for me once.
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog … Read more
An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said, ”When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord.” When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, ”What was the name of that Indian again?”
A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. ”Why did you do that?”asked the other men. ”We have plenty of fine wine in France,” said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine … Read more
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and … Read more
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck? there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the … Read more
Which political discussions between the Russians and Americans keenly interest Burger Land citizens?The SALT talks!
What do you call an American with a lavatory on his head ?John.
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. … Read more
An American tourist found himself in a sleepy country village, and asked one of the locals the age of the oldest inhabitant. ”Well, sir,” replied the villager, ”we ain’t got one now. He died last week.”
Q: What’s Clinton doing to make Americans happy? A: If you’ve paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family–you’re happy.
What is the American national day for vampires?Fangsgiving Day.
Teacher: ”Who built the first American car?” Student: ”Me Pilgrims.” Teacher: ”The Pilgrims?” Student: ”Yeah, they made the Mayflower Compact.”
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, ”Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the … Read more
A tiny racing car was developed by American scientists. The Americans then sent the car over to Japan to see what the Japanese could do to better the car. The Japanese added sport wheels and an aero kit to the car, they than sent it to the U.K. The British scientists, to better the car, … Read more
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians. American : ”In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police.” Russian : ”In Russia we don’t require that you dial anything.”
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and … Read more
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became … Read more
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War ?Robert E Flea !
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. ”Aaah!” he said. ”We’re right over my homeland.” ”How can you tell?” asked the American. ”I can feel the cold air.” he replied. … Read more
An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to a farmer in the local pub. ”And have you lived here all your life, Sir?” asked the American. ”Not yet, m’dear,” said the farmer wisely.
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a … Read more
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. ”Good luck will be followin’ ya … Read more
What dog would you want on your American football team?A golden receiver!