Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations. –Jay Leno
Question: Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? Answer: The Country!
Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare. –Jay Leno
Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I’m TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama’s ass. –Stephen Colbert
A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama’s strategy of staying awake through this one paid off. –Jimmy Kimmel
A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, ‘At the next debate, no more angry birds.’ –Conan O’Brien
A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald’s. To show you how good this guy’s disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter. –Jay Leno
A year into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, Well, technically that is change.” – Jimmy Fallon
According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our first green president. –Jay Leno
After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush. -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama’s State of the Union Address
Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders. –Jay Leno
Question: Did you hear about Obama’s plan to end unemployment? Answer: He’s gonna expand the NBA to 32,000 teams!
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds? It comes with a promise that you’ll get a toy someday.
Question: How can Barack Obama get the rich to pay their taxes? Answer: By nominating them to a cabinent post!
Question: How did Barack Obama propose to Michelle Robinson? Answer: He got down on one knee and said ”I don’t wanna be Obama self.
Question: How does Obama sleep? Answer: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Question: How does Sarah Palin know that the world celebrated Barack Obama’s victory in the 2008 election? Answer: She could see the Russians celebrating from her house!
Question: How is Barack Obama going to get Republicans to cross party lines and support health care reform? Answer: By giving their mistresses free breast implants!
Question: How do you know your doctor is not a fan of Obama’s Health Care Plan? Answer: He/she has remodeled the waiting room with death paneling.
Question: How is Obama going to make the tabacco industry pay for health care reform? Answer: By allowing Marlboro Miles to be redeemed for health care coverage!
It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million. –Craig Ferguson
It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood. –Stephen Colbert
It’s not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month to an all-time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House says they may have to fish out Bin Laden and shoot him all over again. –Jay … Read more
It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very … Read more
If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don’t send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers. –Jay Leno
I don’t like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist. –Stephen Colbert
One of President Obama’s winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it’s President Obama. –Jay Leno
I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn’t work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden. –David Letterman
I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?’ –Craig Ferguson
Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. –Jimmy Fallon
Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he’s not too busy with the two wars he’s conducting. –Bill Maher
Obama’s wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently ahd the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left. –Bill Maher
On Saturday the White House released President Obama’s personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That’s how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he’s drinking beer he made in his bathtub. –Jimmy Kimmel
One of President Obama’s goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ –Conan O’Brien
Question: Other than health care what other promises has Barack Obama made to the American People? Answer: Balancing the budget, reining in the banks and putting a unicorn in every backyard!
People always say this to me: ‘Hey, Letterman,’ they say. ‘Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?’ All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why. –David Letterman
Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what’s another good name for that position? President. –Seth Meyers
Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them. —Jimmy Fallon
Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, ‘the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.’ –Jimmy Fallon
President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same. –Jay Leno
President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate. –Craig Ferguson
Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card. —Bill Maher
Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall. -Bill Maher
Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don’t pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He’s going to vote for Obama. –Jay Leno
According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama’s Twitter followers are fake. They don’t even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn’t be any jobs for them. –Jay Leno
These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem — and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim. —Jimmy Kimmel
You know the Obama campaign’s in trouble when they’re looking to Joe Biden to turn things around. –David Letterman
Obama decided we’re going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain’s bad ideas. –Bill Maher
Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he’s going to get this financial package. That’s right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty… He’s on a roll and he’s taunting his critics. His new slogan is, ‘Change You Can Suck On.’ —Bill Maher
President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies. –Jimmy Kimmel