Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
I feel like Taylor Swift is that friend who invites her self to places.
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents. Friend: That’s Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
Question: What do you call friends who love math? Answer: algebros
Question: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Answer: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Question: Why didn’t Dracula have any friends? A. He was a pain in the neck!
Question: What did one rat say to the other when his rat friend got the piece of cheese? A. ”Oh, rats!”
Question: Why did the mushroom have so many friends? A. Because he was a fungi!
A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. ‘You can’t go home in this,’ said one of his friends, ‘ you’d better stay the night.’ ‘That’s very kind of you,’ said the boy. ‘ I’ll … Read more
My friend is so stupid that he thinks twice before saying nothing.
My dance partner dumped me for my best friend. Why?Was he a better dancer?Don’t know, I never met him.
What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?”Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo
Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it’s other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex. So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream. The next day the meet. The Italian says, ”I made love … Read more
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, ”Didn’t your company hire an accountant a short while ago?” The business owner replies, ”That’s the accountant I’ve been searching for.”
What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple ?Worm your way out of that one !
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, ”Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, ”That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. ”I’ve just bought a pig,” said the first. ”But where will you keep it?” said the second. ”Your yard’s much too small for a pig!” ”I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied his friend. ”But what about the smell?” ”He’ll soon get used to … Read more
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. ”Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” the husband explained. ”She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.” He continued, ”She communicates well and … Read more
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. ”What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. ”That is the talking clock,” the man replied. ”How’s it work?” the friend asked. ”Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the … Read more
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, ”You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend … Read more
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Ted said to his friend, ‘can you lend me $10?’ ‘But I only have $8,’ his friend replied. That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!
I overheard a friend telling his pal, ”I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.” ”What is she doing?”, the pal asks. ”Waiting for me to get home.”
What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down?Crumbs!
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone … Read more
Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds – now he owes fifty-five million.
Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason for his haste he shivered and replied: ”I’m afraid that if I should ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to repossess me.”
Which of our meaty friends are into astrology?Those that are born under the sign of the Ham!
Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player’s best friend? A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back: …and I will fill your cavity.
My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!
Harry was telling his friend about his holiday in Switzerland. His friend had never been to Switzerland and asked, ‘what did you think of the scenery ?’ ‘Oh, I couldn’t see much,’ Harry admitted. ‘There were all these mountains in the way.’
As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!
A Nun and her friend, Sarah were playing golf. Sarah misses a 3 foot putt and yells, ”Goddamn it, missed the bugger!” and the nun says, ”If you keep saying that then God will punish you.” Next hole Sarah misses a 2 foot putt and says ”Goddamn it, missed the bugger!” and the nun says, … Read more
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, ”Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought — I can’t figure out how to get started.” Her friend asks, ”What’s the puzzle of?” ”From the picture on the box, I’d guess it’s a tiger,” replied the blonde. … Read more
My friend is so stupid he thinks that an autograph is a chart showing sales figures for cars.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?Hard cheese.
Two friends: – I heard that you have founded a musical band. – Yes, it is a quartet. – How many are you?– We are three. – Three?– Me and my brother. – You have a brother?– No, why do you ask?
Girl 1: ”Can I invite a few friends to your Halloween party?” Girl 2: ”Sure. The more, the scarier!”
What do you get if King Kong sits on your best friend?A flat mate.
These two friends are about to go to a club. One of them has a wooden eye. He said ”If someone says something about my eye, i’m gonna snap.” They get there, and he asks a girl to dance. She says, ”Would I?”
The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, ”Can you float alone?” ”Obviously,” the banker replied, ”but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
Q: When did Clinton’s friends become sure that he had political ambitions? A: When he married outside of his family.
A father is asked by his friend, ”Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” ”Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies To this his friend responds, ”Strange ambition to have for a career.” ”Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?Long time no sea.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, ”Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” ”Outstanding,” Fred replied. ”They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.” ”That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?” Fred went … Read more
Why does Dracula have no friends?Because he’s a pain in the neck.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, ”You look terrible. What’s the problem?” ”My mother died in June,” he said, ”and left me $10,000.” ”Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. ”Then in July,” the friend continued, ”My father died, leaving me $50,000.” ”Wow. Two … Read more
Cannibal Boy: I’ve brought a friend home for dinner. Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we’ll have him tomorrow.