President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same. –Jay Leno
Question: What’s the difference between a Hispanic girlfriend and a Hispanic wife? Answer: 45 lbs.
Question: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? Answer: She has scratched ”stay off MY TURF!” on his back with her nails.
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. ”Slow down, baby,” she said. ”Foreplay is an art.” ”You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, ”because I’m about to spill my paint!”
What’s a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?It’s a dead letter day.
I can’t understand why people say my girlfriend’s legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks – but they certainly don’t match.
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?She didn’t suit his taste!
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?Slow down and use a lubricant.
Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death?He had a crush on her.
His girlfriend returned all his letters. I bet she marked them ”second class male !”
Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said ‘Squeeze Left.’
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?”I love you a ton!”
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. ”The chicken sounds good? I’ll have that,” the woman says. The waiter nods. ”And the vegetable?” he asks. ”Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ?Man: It did for a while – then it fell off.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?Phone her.
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. ”Every time we make love,” she said, ”I get splinters.” So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice. ”Sandpaper,” said the carpenter. ”That’s what you need.” So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped … Read more
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. ”I liked it, but why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said. ”What do you mean?” he asked. ”Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’ ”
Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father’s. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, ‘Use this all over yourself and think of me.’ Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present.
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. ”Boy,” said the farmer, ”that sure makes me want to do the same.” ”Well, go ahead,” said his girlfriend. ”It’s your cow.”
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend’s just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks’ time?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. ”Oh, I really liked it,” she said, ”but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.” ”What on earth do you mean???” ”Well I … Read more
Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn’t have very much on?He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.
Fred’s new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ?‘Your plaice or mine’ !
My brother’s looking for a girlfriend. Trouble is, he can’t find a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself.
Girlfriend: Will you love me when I’m old and fat and ugly?Boyfriend: Of course I do !