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what do you call a Chinese heroin addict? gou ching
What do you call a policewoman that shaves her vagina? cunt stubble
What has 3 teeth and 30 legs ? A methodone queue
What do you call an asian that injects? A pinjab (Punjab)
Heard of the dyslexic drug addict? He overdosed on F’s
There has been growing opinion of Gary Barlow handing back the obe he received recently following alledged tax avoidance but a senior spokesperson for clarence house have apologized and explained that due to a mistake by an official who is dyslexic there was a mix up and mr Barlow should have received an I.o.u.
Question: What is the cleanest reindeer called? A. Comet.
How do you make an apple turnover?Push it down hill.
Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she’d hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they’d ALL say, “BEEP.” She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own phone number and listened to … Read more
The Dallas Cowboys had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the Jason Garret and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass from Tony Romo and ran right through … Read more
Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”? Because they never learned good table manners! campaign970
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him! campaign970
What’s a Pilgrim’s favorite kind of music? Plymouth Rock! campaign970
Why did the turkey cross the road? Because the chicken got Thanksgiving off! campaign970
Two hydrogen atoms bumped into each other recently. One said: “Why do you look so sad?” The other responded: “I lost an electron.” Concerned, One asked “Are you sure?” The other replied “I’m positive.” campaign970
For years, three men were stranded on a desert island. One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish. “I wish I was off this island and back with my family,” said the first man, and he disappeared. “I also … Read more
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed. “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. Dear Lord, please don’t let me late…” …. at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty. She got up, … Read more
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches, the guy asks for “a table for two”. As they are waiting for a table to be prepared, his wife cant help to notice a fish tank full of beautiful tropical fish. The wife turns to her husband and demands that she … Read more
Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?” Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.” campaign970
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day … Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of … Read more
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog says, … Read more
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do … Read more
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “”in-flight safety lecture”” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “There may be 50 ways to leave your boyfriend, but there are only 4 ways out of this … Read more
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign warning, “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s him,” came … Read more
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great” he said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, … Read more
What did the elephant say to the famous detective ?It’s ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock !
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster?Cook-a-doodle-do!
Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn’t make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, ”Just bring them bread and water.” One of the little boys looked up and quavered, ”Can I have … Read more
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger … Read more
Why do elephants wear sunglasses? If all of those jokes were being told about you, you would not want to be recognized either! campaign970
Why did batman brush his teeth with Crest toothpaste? To prevent bat breath! campaign970
Sal: Have you heard the one about the mountain? Jen: Yes, it is just a big bluff. campaign970
Dan: If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware? Jan: I don’t know, but Alaska! campaign970
Quiz show host: How many successful parachute jumps must a paratrooper make before he graduates? Contestant: All of them. campaign970
Boy: When I sat down to play the piano, everyone laughed at me. Mother: For goodness sakes! Why? Boy: No piano bench! campaign970
What do you call a rabbit with a lot of fleas? Bugs Bunny. campaign970
Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.” Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make … Read more
Mother: The best time to take a bath is just before retiring. Sammy: No wonder Grandpa didn’t retire until he was sixty-five! campaign970
If a man crosses the ocean twice without taking a bath, what is he called? A dirty double-crosser! campaign970
A teacher called for sentences using the word “beans.” “My father grows green beans,” said the star student. “My mother cooks lima beans,” said another pupil. Then a third student added: “We are all human beans.” campaign970
Jim: My father has Washington’s shoe. Jeff: That’s nothing. My father has Adam’s apple. campaign970
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the … Read more
Dad: Billy, what did you learn in school today? Billy: I learned to say, “Yes, sir,” “No, sir,” “Yes, Ma’am,” and “No, ma’am.” Dad: You did? Billy: Yep! campaign970
Tim: “I haven’t slept for days.” Jim: “Wow, you must be tired.” Tim: “Not really. I sleep nights.” campaign970
What was the witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling! campaign970