What a engineer means when he says: PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE He means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch
What a engineer means when he says: SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS He means: Come into my office, I’m lonely.
What a engineer means when he says: TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING He means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
What a engineer means when he says: THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED He means: The only person who understood the thing quit.
What a engineer means when he says: WE WILL LOOK INTO IT He means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
What a engineer means when he says: GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING He means: We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.
What a engineer means when he says: GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION He means: I can’t wait to hear this bull!
What a engineer means when he says: IT IS IN THE PROCESS He means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
What a engineer means when he says: MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH He means: It works OK, but looks very hitech.
What a engineer means when he says: PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL He means: Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.
What a engineer means when he says: CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION He means: We know who to blame.
What a engineer means when he says: CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED He means: We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
What a engineer means when he says: A. Can’t Pass Again. He means:
What a engineer means when he says: ALL NEW He means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
What a engineer means when he says: ENERGY SAVING He means: Achieved when the power switch is off.
What a engineer means when he says: LIGHTWEIGHT He means: Lighter than RUGGED.
What a engineer means when he says: LOW MAINTENANCE He means: Impossible to fix if broken
What a engineer means when he says: RUGGED He means: Too damn heavy to lift!
What a engineer means when he says: YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT He means: One finally worked.
What a engineer means when he says: EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM He means: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
What a engineer means when he says: A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED He means: We are still pissing in the wind.
The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman. ”How’s business?” asks the farmer. ”Not very good, I haven’t sold a tractor in months, How are things on the farm?” asked the salesman. ”Well– The other day I went out to the barn to milk that … Read more
An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager, ”Did you get my message where I said, ‘Ship the Enron documents to the Feds’?” The manager goes white. ”Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds.”
A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer. Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, ”What do you have for collateral?” The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant. Mr. Paddywack looks at the … Read more
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. ”What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. ”Haven’t you got a sense of humor?” ”I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. ”I’m leaving Friday.”
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. ”Your workers, they’re escaping!” cries the visitor. ”You’ve got to stop them.” ”Don’t worry, they’ll be back,” says the American. And indeed, … Read more
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he … Read more
When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he’d fire them.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. ”You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, ”and you’re going to be executed! Do … Read more
ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, ”I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one … Read more
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: ”Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: ”Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above … Read more
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?Because business was very light.
Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. ”I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. ”But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying … Read more
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. ”Listen,” said the CEO, ”this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing … Read more
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, ”Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”. ”Really?” … Read more
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this ‘unusual’ handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money … Read more
When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!
The social worker asked the bartender ”What’s the difference between your job and mine?” The bartender replied: ”I only had to go to bartender school for 6 weeks and I learned to mix a very good drinks, than wait a couple of hours to have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to … Read more
When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator’s manual and perform the job themselves, since it … Read more
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’ He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’ The shopkeeper panicked, until he got … Read more
‘The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You’re gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man.” – … Read more
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, ”What is three times seven?” ”Twenty-two,” Kowalski replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to … Read more
INTERVIEWER to job applicant: ”Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”
A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone … Read more
My husband’s business is rather up-and-down – he makes yo-yos.
Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds – now he owes fifty-five million.
Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? A: A dependent Claus.
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, ”Say, why did the foreman fire you?” Replied the second, ”Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.”
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man … Read more