Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to … Read more
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?None, they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders.
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, ”Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!” Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up … Read more
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel … Read more
What is a drill team?A group of dentists who work together.
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: ”That’s his problem.”
How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?Just one. To threaten suicide if you don’t change it for him/her.
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bridge What’s come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather … Read more
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking?No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, ”that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, ”all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife … Read more
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please!
What did the tooth say to the departing dentist?…Fill me in when you get back
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?I never make rash promises!
believe that the members of the dental profession are the only men who can tell a women to open or close her mouth and get away with it.
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100. Patient: Well, without pain it’s cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain. Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!! Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.
Young Charlie to dentist’s sexy chariside assistant ”Aha ! Are you the lady orthodontist ?”. The lady replied ”No, but I’ll straighten anyone’s teeth ”
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it?Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.
Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist’s window?Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what’s your REAL problem?
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?Saw the legs off of your bed!
Patient: I’m really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You’re thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she’s invisible! What sister?
Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly?Dentis: ”Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist
Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory! When did this happen?When did what happen?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?”How long have you been having this phantasy?”
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I’ll deal with you later.
A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. ”Doctor, you’ve got to help me!” he wailed. ”What seems to be the trouble?” asked the doctor. ”I keep having the same dream, night after night. There’s this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I … Read more
Dentist: Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures. Patient: Okay doc, but don’t forget to send your bill to the other man.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate … Read more
What game did the dentist play when she was a child?…Caps and robbers
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?…He braces himself
Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?Why?Because I’ve been at my computer all day and I’ve got a splitting headache!
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try … Read more
Where does the dentist get his gas?…At the filling station
A couple of biologists had twins. One they called John and the other control.
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a dog. How long have you felt like this?Ever since I was a puppy!
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?” ”You’re fine, how am I?”
A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears. They had only two applicants – a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist. The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures … Read more
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a rubber band Why don’t you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
What is a double-blind study?Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.