There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was … Read more
A little demon came home from school one day and said to his mother, ‘I hate my sister’s guts.’ ‘All right,’ said his mother, ‘I won’t put them in your sandwiches again.’
Mum: Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?Boy: Because he read the label, and it said ‘shake well before using.’
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son’s outburst, his mother said, ”Don’t you dare use that kind of language in here.” ”William Shakespeare did,” replied Ben. ”Well, you’d better stop going around with him,” said Mom.
So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?Yes- their dog is our dog’s brother.
Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she’s top of the class. Father: That’s why I think it must be a terrible class.
What do you call a small parent?A minimum !
My brother’s just opened a shop. Really?How’s he doing?Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he … Read more
At dinner, Seth said to his father, ”Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it’s all your fault.” ”How’s that?” asked the master of the house. ”Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?” ”Yeah, I remember.” ”Well, ‘a helluva lot’ ain’t the right answer.”
Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. ”Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m … Read more
Teacher: What’s this a picture of ?Class: Don’t know, Miss. Teacher: It’s a kangaroo. Class: What’s a kangaroo, miss ?Teacher: A kangaroo is a native of Australia. Smallest boy: Wow, my sister’s married one of them
Father: ” I know the answer to your bad grades. You’re spending too much time watching television.” Son: ” I’m sorry, you’ll have to phrase that in the form of a question.”
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Brother ! Brother who ?Brother-ation, I’ve forgotten your name !
Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, ”Now, remember, son. Don’t wear them when you’re not looking at anything.”
Why did your sister jump out the window ?Because she wanted to try out her new spring suit
Brother: Which is farther away- NY City or the moon?Sister: NY City. Why do ask?Brother: Well, I can see the moon, but I can’t see NY City.
Peter: My brother wants to work badly! AnitA: As I remember, he usually does !
Father: Don’t you think our son gets his brains from me?Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
My brother’s one of the biggest stickup men in town. Gosh is he really?Yes, he’s a six-foot-six billposter.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: ”That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and … Read more
Girl: Mom, mom a monster’s just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I’ve just washed the floor.
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance. ‘Teddy,’ he called, ‘how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly?Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being.’ There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. ‘That’s better,’ said … Read more
My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her !
Dan: My little brother is a real pain. Nan: Things could be worse. Dan: How?Nan: He could be twins !
Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
‘What are you reading?” demanded the father of his seven-year-old. ”A story about a cow jumping over the moon,” was the reply. ”Throw that book away at once,” he commanded. ”How many times have I told you you’re too young to read science fiction?”
My sister went on a crash diet. Is that why she looks a wreck ?
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. ‘ Sis,’ he said, ‘I wish you’d sing Christmas carols.’ ‘That’s nice of you, Alfie,’ she replied. ‘Why ?’ ‘Then I’d only have to hear you once a year !’
‘Dad,” said Rickey, ”what is electricity?” ”Uh,” replied his father, ”I don’t really know too much about electricity.” A few minutes later the boy said, ”How does gas make the engine go?” ”Son, I’m afraid I don’t know much about motors.” ”Dad,” said the boy, ”what is anthropology?” ”Anthropology?” The father frowned. ”I really don’t … Read more
Doctor, Doctor! my sister thinks she’s an elevator. Tell her to come in. I can’t. She doesn’t stop at this floor.
Did the bionic monster have a brother ?No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!
Dad: Don’t be selfish. Let your brother use the sled half the time. Son: I do, Dad. I use it going down the hill and he gets to use it coming up!
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about … Read more
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he’d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, ”Ah, … Read more
Mother: Jared, get your little sister’s hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can’t mum, she’s got it strapped too tight under her chin!
Dad: Why is your January report card so bad ?Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !
A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day. ‘Well,’ said the Scout. ‘Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby brother have it.’
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: ”Some parents,” she said, ”tell the older child, ‘We love you … Read more
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ”no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ”Now Ellen, we just have half … Read more
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, ”Gee, you’re dumb, Mom. You don’t know anything.” ”Now, son,” scolded Bentley, ”you musn’t be picky about your mother’s little faults.”
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn’t find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: ”It’s not my fault, Mom. I don’t have ‘parental vision:”
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. ”Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, ”that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.” ”Oh really?” said the lifeguard, ”from the diving board!?!?”
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ”Congratulations sir, you’re the father of twins.” ”What a coincidence!” the man said with some obvious pride. ”I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a … Read more
Do you like my new baby sister ?The stalk bought her. Hmm, it looks as if the stalk dropped her on her head.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. ”No, you idiot!” the man shouts. ”This is her *husband*!”
First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle ?Second Boy: Because he’s got a screw loose !