-Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying ”no”? -No. -Oh, so it’s you!
A silly boy spent the afternoon with some friends, but when the time came for him to leave, a terrific storm started with thunder, lightning and torrential rain. ‘You can’t go home in this,’ said one of his friends, ‘ you’d better stay the night.’ ‘That’s very kind of you,’ said the boy. ‘ I’ll … Read more
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit ?So he could tell the time at night !
My friend is so stupid that he thinks twice before saying nothing.
A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, ”Don’t dive ?there’s no water in that pool!” ”That’s all right,” said the man. ”I can’t swim!”
Q: Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? A: They were riverdancing.
Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says ”I want four budgies.” Salesman-certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female?Newfie-I don’t care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman-certainly sir, what color would you like?We have yellow, blue, gr… Newfie – I don’t care what color … Read more
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, ”Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?” ”I don’t know,” responded the other. ”I’ll ask him.” So he climbed out of the hole … Read more
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?ANSWER: Because he’s afraid someone would look through the keyhole.
The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.
How do Filipinos count money?One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a …
‘What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris?” ”He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise.”
Q: How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s ”zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the ”zero-intelligence” policy.
Rigby drove into the city with his girl to catch their first play at a theater. Rigby rushed up to the box office and said, ”Gimme two tickets for tonight’s show.” ”Sorry,” said the box office attendant. ”There are no seats left. We have only two standing rooms left.” ”Well, I’ll be hog tied! Only … Read more
Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel?Halfway across he decided he couldn’t make it so he swam back.
She’s so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.
Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece. They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they’d wound up with the same amount of money they’d started out with. ”See!” said Tybe. ”Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger … Read more
The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager to count to five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his fingers. Then the teacher asked, ”Can you count any higher?” The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five again.
Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?
Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?
He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!
Housekeeper: Professor, there’s a bill collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn’t believe me. Professor: No?Then I suppose I’ll have to go and tell him myself.
Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?
Chaffee could talk on any subject whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly he didn’t. One day his neighbor Nibley could stand no more. ”Do you realize,” asked Nibley, ”that you and I know all there is to be known?” ”Do you really think so?” said Chaffee. ”How do you figure that?” ”Easy,” … Read more
Hatton: I ain’t as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn’t be!
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?Shot it!
And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He’d tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch?A cuckoo clock.
I don’t know what it is that makes you stupid but whatever it is, it works.
Why did Rudolfo salute the box of Cornflakes in the supermarket?Because the label said General Foods.
Young Bradley arrived at his date’s house wearing a shirt that had water dripping from it. ”What’re you doin’?” asked his girlfriend. ”How come your shirt is soakin’ wet?” ”Well,” said Bradley, ”it said on the label: WASH AND WEAR.”
What do stupid kids do at Halloween?They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
Did you hear about the Puerto Rican secretary who was getting so experienced she could type twenty mistakes a minute?
Fred: Do you think I’m a fool?Harry: No. But what’s my opinion against thousands of others?
When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one. Randall, an old rancher, stood up. ”Ah think we should keep the old truck,” he said. ”We can use it for all them false alarms!”
Did you hear about the stupid wizard?He couldn’t remember if he used to be forgetful.
What did the stupid ghost do?He used to climb over walls.
An idiotic laborer was told by an equally idiotic foreman to dig a hole in the road. ”And what shall I do with the earth, sir?” asked the laborer. ”Don’t be daft, man,” he replied. ”Just dig another hole and bury it.”
Jett was trying to light a match. He struck the first one and it didn’t work, so he threw it away. He struck the second match. That didn’t work either, so he tossed it. Jett struck the third one and it lit up. ”That’s a good one!” said the idiot, blowing it out. ”Ah’m gonna … Read more
A stupid man was struggling out of his house with a big table. His neighbor said to him, ”Hello, Harry. Where are you going with that then?” And Harry replied, ”I’m taking it to the store to have it measured for a new tablecloth.”
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, ”Wash. Biol. Surv.” until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: ”Dear … Read more
Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?
Did you hear about the Montana moron who went looking for a gas leak with a safety match?
Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling. ”It’s amazing,” he said to the other people, ”that such a small fan could lift all these people!”
Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward ?Brother: How do you know which way I’m going ?
Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. ”Have you ever read Shakespeare?” asked Carmella. ”No,” said Mario. ”Who wrote it?”
Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. ”I thought I told you to go to the end of the line,” barked the NCO. ”Why did you come back?” ”Because there’s already somebody there!”
Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA ”Gosh!” he said, ”If n only that job was in Texas, Ah’d take it!”