The theatrical manager exclaimed: ”Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real.” ”It was. I’ve got a large nail in my shoe.” ”Well,” said the manager, ”for heaven’s sake leave it in until the end of the run of … Read more
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. ”Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, ”that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.” ”Very good,” conceded the other, ”but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.” ”What was the jingle?” … Read more
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain … Read more
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, … Read more
A farmer who’s been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. ”I understand you’re claiming damages for the injuries you’re supposed to have suffered?” Stated the counsel for the insurance company. ”Yes, that’s right,” replied the farmer, nodding his head. ”You claim … Read more
At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a private to throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran about 10 yards away to be safe, and yelled the instructions. ”Pull the pin, throw and hit the dirt!” The private proceeds to do so, and throws the explosive directly at the sergeant! A few … Read more
Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?Officer: Just stand where you are!!!
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. ”Name?” ”Brendan O’Connor.” ”Same as mine. Where are you from?” ”County Cork.” ”Same as me……” The policeman paused with his pen in the air. ”Hold on a moment and I’ll come back and talk about the … Read more
How many cops does it take to change light bulb?Just one, but he is never around when you need him. Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first. Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say ”Show’s over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along.”
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn’t notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, … Read more
A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, ”If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, ”If you kiss me and turn me back … Read more
A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was … Read more
Cop: Why didn’t you stop when I shouted at you back there?Motorist: I thought you were saying ”Good morning, Mr. Mayor.” Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next town.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police?Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?Caller: Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey?I’ve never cooked one before.
One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, ”There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to … Read more
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, ”Tick – Tock” over and over. After about three hours, the first pilot cracked … Read more
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. ”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven … Read more
A patrol of allied soldiers were in a ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route through the rubbled buildings. Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and proclaims. ”I got me 4 germans bagged so far. Howabout you … Read more
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
– How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?– That is a military secret. If I told you I’d have to kill you.
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ? A: Turkey.
– What do you think about the coming battle, General?– God knows it will be lost. – Then why should we go for it?– To find out who is the loser.
On a narrow mountain’s road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards. – Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?– Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u-turn on the top of the mountain. After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill … Read more
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ”I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk” The wasted wino asked, ”Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?” ”Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. ”Let’s … Read more
Airmen had to launch two E-3 AWACS from a National Guard base after a heavey snow strom. Well after a 5 hour delay waiting for the snow to be plowed of, they were able to take-off. The planes taxied off and stoped a hundred yards to the flight line. The civilians had forgot to finish … Read more
A police man was on duty one night and he headed up to ”Make out Mountain” to try to catch some couples in the act. When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him … Read more
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, ”Hey, sarge, why did you stop?” The sarge replied, ”He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so … Read more
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants … Read more
A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man’s window. ”What chew driving so fast for boy?You going to a fahhr?Let me see your license, boy.” The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that … Read more
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, ”I’ve lost my dad!” The policeman said, ”What’s he like?” Little Johnny replied, ”Beer and women!”
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an … Read more
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: ”Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?” Sister: ”Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.” Cop: ”Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on! Sister: Oh! Silly … Read more
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, ”Can I park here?” ”No,” says the cop. ”What about all these other cars?” ”They didn’t ask!”
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… ”Pull over!” ”No,” she shouts back, ”a pair of socks!”
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem? a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, ”SPEED TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted ”TIPS” … Read more
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial — it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer … Read more
A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: – I can’t drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: – You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.
How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb?Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books. Rotated back … Read more
Police officer: And what do you think you are doing on this road, Dracula?DraculA: Looking for the main artery, officer.
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. ”My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, ”was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” ”Mine,” boasts another, ”went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” ”I’m the only soldier in … Read more
‘When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.” ”You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.”
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
Police Chief: Why do you spend all your time trying to hit flies?Officer: You assigned me to the swat team, didn’t you?
‘Now as I understand it, Sir,” said the police officer to the motorist, ”you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened?” ”I’m afraid not, officer,” replied the motorist. ”I had my eyes shut!”
Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy?My dog can’t even ride a bicycle.
Q. ”Why does the Navy put Marines on board ships?” A. ”Because sheep would be too obvious”
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident – body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: ”Head on bullevard” and scratchs out his spelling error. ”Head on bouelevard” Nope, doesn’t look right – scratch scratch. ”Head on boolevard…” … Read more