A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he … Read more
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield. ”Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Mary Agnes, ”What should … Read more
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said, ”I give ten dollars.” Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. ”I give a thousand dollars!” The minister said, ”Lord, hit him again!”
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. ”What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter ”Public Practitioner,” is the reply. ”Name?” He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. ”Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve … Read more
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, ”Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.” The Jewish lady said, ”But your sign says that you have vacancies.” … Read more
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?A. German Shepherds.
Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, ”Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?” The priest says, ”Because I’m a father.” Johnny says, ”Yeah?Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.” The priest says ”You don’t understand, son. I have … Read more
And Jesus said unto his disciples, ”Whom do men say that I am?” And His disciples answered unto Him, ”Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch.” And Jesus said, ”What?”
Doctor: ‘Your recovery was a miracle!’ Patient: ‘PRAISE GOD. Now I don’t have to pay you!’
What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?A religious movement!
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. ”No, thank you,” Mrs. … Read more
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a … Read more
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, ”What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?They just … Read more
A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. ”Madam,” he said in a broken voice, ”I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too … Read more
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said ”I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.” ”Great!” said the first guy, ”I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” ”No problem,” … Read more
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin’ Catholic!
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, … Read more
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. ”Now, … Read more
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. ”Mommy” she said ”Can we leave now?” ”No” her mother replied. ”Well, I think I have to throw up!” ”Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a … Read more
Q: Why do they say ‘Amen’ at the end of a prayer instead of ‘Awomen’? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he’d healed the sick, helped the lame? but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell. The engineer told how he’d built homes for the homeless, etc.? but he messed up the environment, so he was sent … Read more
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?A. The thought had never entered his head before.
A minister told his congregation, ”Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had … Read more
What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven ?The Y2K deadline !
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so … Read more
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. ”I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self-righteously, ”Did you?” ”I don’t know,” said the other. ”What was her maiden name?”
What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar?He raised Cain.
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. ”Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. ”It’s me, Bill Clinton”. ”What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and answered, ”Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit … Read more
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An … Read more
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, ”Who are all those men in the pictures?” The usher replied, ”Why, those are our boys who died … Read more
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. ‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a … Read more
Q. How do you make holy water?A. Boil the hell out of it.
A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…”And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, … Read more
Is there a God?A billion Hindus can’t be wrong.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny?God: Just a second.
What’s black and white, black and white, black and white?A nun rolling down a hill.
Examiner: I think you know very little, if anything at all, about the Bible. Can you quote any passage?Student: ‘Judas departed and went and hanged himself.’ Examiner: Well, that’s a surprise. Can you quote another?Student: ‘Go thou and do likewise.’
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: ”What are doing here with a dog?” Bernie: ”The dog came here to pray.” ”Oh, come … Read more
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, ”You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend … Read more
O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. ”Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those … Read more
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor ‘what did you do on Earth?’ The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter … Read more
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest … Read more
The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, ”Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!” The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, ”Why do you refuse to … Read more
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He … Read more
Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments? at once.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?A. Samson. He brought the house down.
What language do the Vatican Police speak?Pig Latin!
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I’m … Read more
Easter is approaching. Father O’Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist – $ 300. ”Too expensive” moans the priest. The protestant florist – $ 250, ”No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small.” But lo! Solly Goldberg … Read more
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?A. Ruth-less.