….. Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?
How do skunks like their e-mails?Scent.
What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?A sore finger.
Why was the skeleton using the Internet?To bone up on his schoolwork.
Customer: ”I’m running Windows ’95.” Tech: ”Yes.” Customer: ”My computer isn’t working now.” Tech: ”Yes, you said that.”
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do … Read more
Have you seen www.quicksand.com?Yes, but it hasn’t sunk in yet.
I spent the whole evening knotsurfing! Don’t you mean netsurfing?No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!
As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for ”Technology Without An Interesting Name.”
Did you like www.flower.com?Not at first….but it grew on me!
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: ”Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”. ”G.O.O.D” answered his wife.
You’re spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?No, they’ve always been blue!
Have you seen www.brokenglass.com?Yes, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years
What do internet football fans sing?E we go E we go, E we go!
How do long distance runners send e-mail?On the sprin-ternet.
What grows on the World Wide Web and stings?Internettles.
The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a computer. My goodness, you’d better come to my surgery right away! I can’t, my power cable won’t reach that far.
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ”could not find the printer.” The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still could not ‘see’ the printer.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a laptop computer. You’re just run down, let me give you some vitamins. No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.
Why was there a bug in the computer?It was looking for a byte to eat.
The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don’t buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don’t plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
Q: What’s another name for the ”Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
Why was Cinderella able to surf the web?Because he footman turned into a mouse.
Have you seen www.usedmatch.com?Yes, but I didn’t find it striking.
Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?Click Turpin
You’re a big internet fan, arn’t you?Yes, I really get a buzz out of it!
What did the maths homework website say to the geometry website?Boy do we have problems.
Did you know pillows have their own website?Really?Well you could knock me down with a feather!
This customer comes into the computer store. ”I’m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” ”Well,” replied the clerk, ”Have you tried Windows 98?”
You need to log on to the window repair website! I did – but it gave me a pane!
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?It slipped a disk.
Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
To err is human? but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Why couldn’t the baby camel surf the Internet?Because whenever his parents saw their phone bill they got the hump.
How do you fix a broken website?With stick e-tape.
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked ”Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in … Read more
What do you call an Internet mystery?An e-nigma.
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed… Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?”You’re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”
Why are frogs no good at websurfing?Computers have them toad-ily confused.
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response ”I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The ”foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s … Read more
I’ve been on my computer all night! Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?
Have you seen www.needleinahaystack.com?Yes, but it took ages to find.
Q: What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!
‘This little computer,” said the sales clerk, ”will do half of your job for you.” Studying the machine, the senior VP said, ”Fine, I’ll take two.”
Who started the campfire website?Some bright spark.