Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to … Read more
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, ”Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!” Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up … Read more
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: ”That’s his problem.”
How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?Just one. To threaten suicide if you don’t change it for him/her.
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say. Tell me the truth now, what’s your REAL problem?
Patient: I’m really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You’re thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?”How long have you been having this phantasy?”
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try … Read more
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?” ”You’re fine, how am I?”
Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?
How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?Oops.I can’t believe I broke the last one. I guess you’ll have to sit in the dark.
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, ”Hello.” The other one thought, ”I wonder what he meant by that.”
Doctor, doctor, I can’t concentrate, one minute I’m ok, and the next minute, I’m blank! And how long have you had this complaint?What complaint?
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?He charges you double.
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.
Doctor, doctor, I’m manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: ”Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, ”How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young … Read more
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. ”Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” ”What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired. ”Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.” … Read more
How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me. What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short! No problem. Hop up on the couch.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?”How many do you think it takes?”
Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I’m going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear. Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ?I can’t understand it either, because I planted cabbage !
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient … Read more
What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, ”People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed. Then one said, … Read more
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but … Read more
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket. You do look a little pail.
Psychiatrist to his nurse: ”Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.”’
One behaviorist to another after lovemaking: ”Darling, that was wonderful for you. How was it for me?”
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then … Read more
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, ”Why are you here?” The second answers, ”I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.” The first is curious and asks, ”How do you know that you’re Napoleon?” The second responds, ”God told me I was.” At … Read more
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. ”Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. ”It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.” ”I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. ”And you, no doubt, want … Read more
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a bridge. What’s come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ”Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee? then I’m a wigwam? then I’m a teepee? then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: ”It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights. And how long have you had this complaint?Who wants to know?
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ”Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, ”What is the opposite of joy?” ”Sadness,” said the student. And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ”Elation,” said she. ”And you sir,” he said … Read more
How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
‘Great news, Mr. Oscarson,” the psychiatrist reported. ”After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You’ll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.” ”Gee, that’s great, Doc,” the patient replied. ”And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way … Read more
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, ”Pardon me, sir, but do you … Read more
Fred: ”Why are you so upset?” Harry: ”My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.” Fred: ”So what?” Harry: ”So she said to him, ‘Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I’ve been telling you about’.”
A woman entered a psychiatrist’s consulting room leadind a kangaroo.”I’m worried about my husband, doctor, ” she said. ”He keeps thinking he’s a kangaroo! ”
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a spoon. Sit there and don’t stir.
What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?You know you need a psychiatrist!
‘The trouble is,” said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, ”that I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t tell jokes, I can’t act, I can’t play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!” ”Then why don’t you give up show business?” ”I can’t – I’m a star!”