A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer… and a mop.
A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer… and a mop.
Bar Jokes
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded ” i have a picture of my wife in there and when … Read more
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head. ”How you like it?” asked the barber. ”Real fine,” said the redneck. ”But how ’bout making it a little longer in the back?”
A neutron walks into a bar
A neutron walks into a bar. ”I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ”How much will that be?” asks the neutron. ”For you?” replies the bartender, ”no charge”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, ”You look terrible. What’s the problem?” ”My mother died in June,” he said, ”and left me $10,000.” ”Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. ”Then in July,” the friend continued, ”My father died, leaving me $50,000.” ”Wow. Two … Read more
A small balding man storms into a local bar
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, ”Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.” The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink … Read more
A man walks into a bar and asks for a vodka
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, ”Six shots?What’s wrong?” ”I found out my older brother is gay,” replied the man. The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. ”What now?” asked the bartender. ”I found out my … Read more
A brain walks into a bar and says
A brain walks into a bar and says, ”I’ll have a pint of beer please.” The barman looks at him and says ”Sorry, I can’t serve you.” ”Why not?” askes the brain. ”You’re already out of your head.”
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman ”Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?”
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, ”Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket
A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet. ”Is this where Frank lives?” one of the drunks asked. ”Yes, it is,” the woman … Read more
A man had been out in the back woods
A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his … Read more
What happened when the barman died?
What happened when the barman died?The police held an inn-quest
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn’t move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: … Read more
A man walks into a bar and says to Bartender
A man walks into a bar and says, ”Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, ”You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his … Read more
A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer
A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. ”That will be one ruble,” says the bartender. ”One ruble!” the customer protests, ”last week it was only fifty kopeks!” ”Well,” replies the bartender, ”it’s fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika.” Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and … Read more
A motorway walks into a pub one day
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman … Read more
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. ”If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into … Read more
A cowboy walks in to a bar and says
A cowboy walks in to a bar and says,” I want a beer.” So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone.He shouted,” if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia. So … Read more
A fellow decides to take off early from work
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his … Read more
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. … Read more
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. ”Say,” he said to the bartender, ”how tall is a penguin?” ”About two and a half feet.” ”Thank God!” cried Monahan. ”I thought I ran over a nun!”
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
How do barmen surf the web?
How do barmen surf the web?On the Gin-ternet.
Ever hear the expression hard drinker?
Ever hear the expression ”hard drinker” ?Never made much sense to me, drinking’s one of the easiest things in the world to do.
The husband was not home at his usual hour
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the … Read more
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
John was sitting outside his local pub one day
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. ”You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John … Read more
A circus owner walked into a bar
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they … Read more
A guy walked into a bar and said, Beers for everyone!
A guy walked into a bar and said ”Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.” But when it was time to pay, the guy didn’t have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him … Read more
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before … Read more
There were these three brothers that were very close
There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot. When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place. When the brothers moved … Read more
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for a tavern
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let … Read more
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: ”What’s wrong with your turtle?” ”Not a thing,” the man … Read more
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced ”a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, ”Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at … Read more
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ‘What’ll you have?
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ”What’ll you have?” The guy answers, ”A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says ”That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, ”What are you talking about?I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then … Read more
Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of women hormones
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. No further testing is planned.
Sign seen in a bar: ‘Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.’
Sign seen in a bar: ”Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.”
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, ”We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, ”Why not?We’re cultured individuals.”
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says ‘Sorry we don’t serve snails’ and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says… ‘What did you do that for!’
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, ”Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, ”I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the … Read more
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
An armless man walked into a bar
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip … Read more
A man walks into a bar and takes a beer
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. … Read more
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, ”Hey … Read more
Twenty-four hours in a day… twenty-four beers in a case… coincidence?
Twenty-four hours in a day… twenty-four beers in a case… coincidence?
Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A pirate was talking to a ”land-lubber” in a bar
A pirate was talking to a ”land-lubber” in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He … Read more