Why did the doctor send the expression to a psychiatrist?
Question: Why did the doctor send the expression to a psychiatrist? Answer: Because it wasn’t rational.
Psychiatrist Jokes
How many psychiatrists to change a lightbulb??
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?”How long have you been having this phantasy?”
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, ”Hello.” The other one thought, ”I wonder what he meant by that.”
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?He charges you double.
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: ”Nonsense!
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch: ”Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you — everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world.”
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, ”People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed. Then one said, … Read more
A herd of cows in a psychiatrists office
What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?An encownter group.
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. ”You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. ”Go home and show her you’re the boss.” The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, ”From now … Read more
Psychiatrist to his nurse: Just say we’re very busy
Psychiatrist to his nurse: ”Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.”’
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are talking
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, ”Why are you here?” The second answers, ”I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.” The first is curious and asks, ”How do you know that you’re Napoleon?” The second responds, ”God told me I was.” At … Read more
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. ”Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. ”It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.” ”I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. ”And you, no doubt, want … Read more
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. ”Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist. ”As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient. ”And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist. ”Oh,” said the patient, ”when … Read more
A guy goes to a psychiatrist
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ”Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee? then I’m a wigwam? then I’m a teepee? then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: ”It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”
Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?Because they are both surrounded by nuts.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. ”Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, ”What is the opposite of joy?” ”Sadness,” said the student. And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. ”Elation,” said she. ”And you sir,” he said … Read more
Great news, Mr. Oscarson, the psychiatrist reported
‘Great news, Mr. Oscarson,” the psychiatrist reported. ”After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You’ll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.” ”Gee, that’s great, Doc,” the patient replied. ”And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way … Read more
A woman entered a psychiatrist’s consulting room
A woman entered a psychiatrist’s consulting room leadind a kangaroo.”I’m worried about my husband, doctor, ” she said. ”He keeps thinking he’s a kangaroo! ”
The trouble is,” said the entertainer to the psychiatrist
‘The trouble is,” said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, ”that I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t tell jokes, I can’t act, I can’t play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!” ”Then why don’t you give up show business?” ”I can’t – I’m a star!”
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, ”You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.” On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, ”Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?” ”Yes,” the boy’s mother answered. ”And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked. ”Who … Read more
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?If you say to a psychiatrist ”I hate my mother,” he will ask ”Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say ”Thank you for sharing that with us.”
Psychiatrist: Well, what’s your problem?
Psychiatrist: Well, what’s your problem?Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black shoes. Psychiatrist: There’s nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself. Patient: Really?How do your like yours – fried or boiled?
What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?‘I feel abominable.’
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?Because she thought everybody loved her.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. ”You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother he said, ”You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. ”Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your … Read more