Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to … Read more
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn’t the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100. Patient: Well, without pain it’s cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain. Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!! Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.
Patient: I’m really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You’re thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.
Patient:Do you extract teeth painlessly?Dentis: ”Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that?Patient: I’m a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don’t want.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus. Patient: What happened?Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate … Read more
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. ”This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, ”What were their jobs?” ”One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” ”I’ll take the accountant’s heart,” says … Read more
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, ”Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” ”That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then … Read more
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. ”Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. ”Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?” ”I don’t see why not,” … Read more
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!
The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally.
Dentist: Don’t worry. I’m painless. Patient: I’m not.
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
Patient: Hey, that tooth you pulled wasn’t the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax, I’m coming to it.
Doctor: ”Good news you passed your hearing test!” Patient: ”HUH”
Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me?Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why?Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock ball game.
Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I haven’t told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
Doctor: Did you take the patient’s temperature?Nurse: No. Is it missing?
Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?When the patient couldn’t pay, the doctor gave him another six months.
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
‘Doctor,” said the patient, ”I need help! I can’t stop acting like a cat!” ”How long have you had this problem?” the doctor asked. ”Lest’s see,” said the patient, ”Mom had the litter in ’41
Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction. Young dentist: Don’t worry, it’s my first extraction too.
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: ”I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” ”Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!
A patient asked the dentist, if it wasn’t nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone’s mouth. The dentist answered ”I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, ”Why are you here?” The second answers, ”I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.” The first is curious and asks, ”How do you know that you’re Napoleon?” The second responds, ”God told me I was.” At … Read more
Patient to Dentist: ”How much to get my teeth straightened?” ”Twenty thousand bucks” Patient heads for the door. Dentist to patient: ”Where are you going?” ”To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent.”
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too. Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. ”Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist. ”As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient. ”And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist. ”Oh,” said the patient, ”when … Read more
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
Patient: The trouble is, doctor, I keep pulling ugly faces. Doctor: Don’t worry, I don’t expect anyone will notice.
Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I?Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, ”I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. ”So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.” ”Of course.” replied the patient. ”In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking … Read more
Patient: ”It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.” Dentist: ”I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth?Dentist: Don’t smile in a bad neighborhood.
Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate?Psychiatrist: You’ve got multiple personalities.
A patient was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, ”I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.” The patient asked, ”Oh doctor, what should I do?” The doctor replied, ”Marry an accountant.” ”Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient. … Read more
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, ”How is she?” The nurse replied, ”Oh, she’s quite dopey.” One of the … Read more
Dentist to parsimonious patient ”No, we give no discount for empty spaces when cleaning and polishing teeth Mrs. Borde!”
Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office. ”Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only … Read more
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me?Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why?Docor, it wasn’t all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don’t want to miss the … Read more