What did the judge say to the dentist?
Question: What did the judge say to the dentist? Answer: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Judge Jokes
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Question: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Answer: Odor in the court.
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. ”Now don’t let me ever see your face again,” said the … Read more
Judge: ‘Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?
Judge: ”Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?” Defendant: ”Yes, it’s true.” Judge: ”Then, why don’t you just pay him back?” Defendant: ”Because it wouldn’t be true anymore.”
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death? A: Yes, by death. Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?Odour in court!
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three … Read more
Jury: 12 men and women trying to decide for the best lawyer
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn’t you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?Burglar: Your Honour! I’m a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
The defendant stood up in the dock
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, ”I dont recognize this court!” ”Why?” asked the Judge. ”Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”
The Judge asked the defendant
The Judge asked the defendant, ”Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” ”I do.” ”Now what do you say to defend yourself?” ”Your Honor, under those limitations… nothing.”
Taking his seat in his chambers
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. ”So,” he said, ”I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.” Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. ”You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.” The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He … Read more
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?He was caught poaching.
A man appears before a judge one day
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, ”Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.” ”Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.” The Judge replies, ”What kind of a reason is that?What is the big deal about a … Read more
Mr. Schneider stood up in court
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. ”As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money.” Glaring down at him, the judge replied, ”He’s not. I am. You do.”
As the judge said to the dentist
As the judge said to the dentist: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
Judge to witness: ‘And where was the location of the accident?
Judge to witness: ”And where was the location of the accident?” Witness: ”Approximately milepost 499.” Judge:: ”And where is milepost 499?” Witness: ”About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.”
Who is the most powerful ghoul?
Who is the most powerful ghoul?Judge Dread.
The Judge admonished the witness
The Judge admonished the witness, ”Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” ”I do.” ”Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?” ”Sure,” said the witness. ”My side will win.”
Judge: Are you married?
Judge: Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced. Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner?
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner? I’m a locksmith, Your Honour. Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?Prisoner? Making a bolt for the door!
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, ”Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, ”Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, … Read more
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, ”What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, ”About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” ”No,” he said, ”I mean what is the foundation of this case?” ”It is made … Read more
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, ”You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. ”What are peers?” he asked. ”They’re people just like you your equals.” ”Forget it,” retorted the defendant. ”I don’t want to … Read more
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?Just one? he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him. Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand? A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995? A: Oral.
At night court, a man was brought in
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, ”State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, ”I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said, ”Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”
How is a judge like an English teacher?
How is a judge like an English teacher?They both hand out long sentences.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, ”So how do you plead?” ”Not guilty” said the second defendant. ”I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied. ”I never said a word” the third defendant replied.
t was Christmas and the judge was away
t was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, ”What are you charged with?” ”Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. ”That’s no offense,” said the judge. ”How early were you doing this shopping?” ”Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
The Judge said to the defendant
The Judge said to the defendant. ”I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.” ”Your Honor,” the criminal said, ”that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Judge: Why did you steal that bird?
Judge: Why did you steal that bird?Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. ”I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed. The judge replied, ”Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Three men stood before a judge on a charge
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park. Judge: What were you doing?1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond. Judge: And what were you doing?2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.” Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts … Read more
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
It seems that a lawyer was drunk
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, ”Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out … Read more
The judge said to his dentist: Pull my tooth
The judge said to his dentist: ”Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.”
A judge in a small city was hearing a driving case
A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall … Read more
When is an English teacher like a judge?
When is an English teacher like a judge?When she hands out long sentences.
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct? A: Yes. Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
A young woman was appearing in court
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. ”Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: ”Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act … Read more