Question: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? Answer: Barack Obama!
Question: What do lawyers wear to court? Answer: Lawsuits!
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a … Read more
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: ”What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked. ”Try to fix it if it’s big? ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. ”What do you do?” lawyer asked. ”Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you … Read more
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, ”What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?They just … Read more
Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?A. Chelsea Clinton
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. ”Now, … Read more
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three … Read more
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. ”Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked. ”The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer. Justice: A decision in your favor.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?Other lawyers look interested.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. ”Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!”, he whined. ”You lawyers are so … Read more
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ”What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, ”A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in … Read more
What is the proper weight for a lawyer?About 3 pounds, …….not counting the urn!
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?Second person: No. First person: Good!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? A: Chelsea.
Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?Nobody will look for them.
What do lawyers do after they die?They lie still.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf?Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the … Read more
Lawyer: ”Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?Did you steal the car?” Client: ”After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ”Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.” The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: … Read more
A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, ”I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?Only one if you run him through slowly!
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small!
The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, ”Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” they stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, ”I do.”
Where is the best place to hide a lawyer?In a brief case.
What do you call an honest lawyer?An oxymoron.
Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress? A: No fee–If No Recovery!
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?A. From chasing parked ambulances.
If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
Lawyer: ”Let me give you my honest opinion.” Client: ”No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, ”Don’t worry – we have plenty of those where I come from.” The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the … Read more
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?A Doberman.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, ”I only build coffins … Read more
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. ”Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me … Read more
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?Never enough.
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then… Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace … Read more
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free … Read more
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, ”Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out … Read more