What did the computer say to the student writing an essay?
Make sure to write online!
Computer Jokes
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
Question: How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? Answer: There is white out on the screen.
How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer?
Question: How do you know if a Blonde has been using your computer? Answer: The joystick is still wet.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
Question: What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? Answer: She sticks it in the microwave!
What do you get when you cross a linebacker with a computer geek?
Question: What do you get when you cross a linebacker with a computer geek? Answer: A linear programmer.
What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
Question: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer? Answer: The Space bar!
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Question: Why did the computer go to the doctor? Answer: Because it had a virus!
Where did the computer go to dance?
Question: Where did the computer go to dance? Answer: To a disc-o.
Why doesn’t the elephant use the computer?
Question: Why doesn’t the elephant use the computer? A. Because it is afraid of the mouse!
Why couldn’t the dinosaur play games on the computer?
Question: Why couldn’t the dinosaur play games on the computer? A. Because he ate the mouse.
How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
Question: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? Answer: There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor
What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
Question: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer? Answer: Redhead won’t accept a three and a half inch
We at Microsoft believe in making computing easier
….. Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?
What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?
What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?A sore finger.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer? A: ” I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N….ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea…”
Customer: I’m running Windows ’95
Customer: ”I’m running Windows ’95.” Tech: ”Yes.” Customer: ”My computer isn’t working now.” Tech: ”Yes, you said that.”
Truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do … Read more
There are special programs to run scanners
As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for ”Technology Without An Interesting Name.”
A system programmer came home from work
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: ”Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”. ”G.O.O.D” answered his wife.
You’re spending a lot of time at that computer
You’re spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked?No, they’ve always been blue!
A customer called to complain about his keyboard
A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a computer
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a computer. My goodness, you’d better come to my surgery right away! I can’t, my power cable won’t reach that far.
The problem with physicists
The problem with physicists is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents
A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said that it ”could not find the printer.” The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printerbut his computer still could not ‘see’ the printer.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a laptop computer
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a laptop computer. You’re just run down, let me give you some vitamins. No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
Why was there a bug in the computer?It was looking for a byte to eat.
The Three Laws of Secure Computing
The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don’t buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don’t plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.
What’s another name for the ‘Intel Inside’ sticker they put on Pentiums?
Q: What’s another name for the ”Intel Inside” sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?With dog diskettes!
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy … Read more
Customer comes into the computer store
This customer comes into the computer store. ”I’m looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” ”Well,” replied the clerk, ”Have you tried Windows 98?”
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?It slipped a disk.
Technical support had a caller complaining
Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked ”Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in … Read more
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time crash
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed… Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
How many C++ programmers to change a lightbulb??
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?”You’re still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!”
An exasperated caller to Tech Support
An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn’t get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response ”I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The ”foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s … Read more
I’ve been on my computer all night!
I’ve been on my computer all night! Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?
The difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman
Q: What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive!
This little computer will do half of the work
‘This little computer,” said the sales clerk, ”will do half of your job for you.” Studying the machine, the senior VP said, ”Fine, I’ll take two.”
If you cross a computer with a hamburger?
What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?A big mac.
A technician advised his customer to put hisfloppy back
A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.
Do you send e-mails on your home computer?
Do you send e-mails on your home computer?What’s the point?I can just bring my home along with me and have a chat.
Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of pc to use
Pupil: In other schools, pupils get a choice of computers to use. Teacher: You get a choice her, too. Use the one we’ve got or don’t use any at all.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out … Read more
A technician received a call from a man
A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.
How many Bill Gateses to change a lightbulb??
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other
A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window … Read more
What does a baby computer call his father?
What does a baby computer call his father?Data.
Dear Boss, I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions
Dear Boss, I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved … Read more