Why do so few men end up in Heaven?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven?They never stop to ask directions.
Heaven Jokes
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. ”What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter ”Public Practitioner,” is the reply. ”Name?” He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. ”Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve … Read more
Two men died and went to Heaven
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said ”I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.” ”Great!” said the first guy, ”I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” ”No problem,” … Read more
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth for a 100 break game
Golfer: ”I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.” Caddy: ”Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven?
What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven ?The Y2K deadline !
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so … Read more
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three … Read more
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, ”Where were you?”. God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds? look my child, look what I’ve just finished making. Archangel Michael looked puzzled … Read more
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He … Read more
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?Both are food from aloft!
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ”Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?” So … Read more
An airforce officer goes to heaven
An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies? yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing … Read more
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Which fish go to heaven when they die ?Angelfish !
St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate
St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. ”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?” ”I was a policeman,” he responded. ”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked. ”I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.” ”Wonderful my son, … Read more
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Three men die and go to heaven
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?Paul: I … Read more
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. ‘How did you get here?
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. ”How did you get here?” he asked. And the new angel replied, ”Flu…”
Three nurses went to heaven
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, ”I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. … Read more
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven
A fireman and policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the … Read more
A fire chief died and went to heaven
A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself, ”I’m a fire chief, I’m not going to wait in line.” He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, ”Let me in. I’m a fire … Read more
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?Angel food cake, of course!
Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can’t get to heaven?
Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can’t get to heaven?Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you’ll get there.
One day at the entrance to heaven
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, ”God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”. God replied, ”Just do what you normally … Read more
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ‘Religion?
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, ”Religion?” The man says, ”Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, ”Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.” Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. ”Religion?” ”Baptist.” ”Go to room 18, but be very quiet … Read more
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says ”I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.” … Read more
A man dies and goes to Heaven
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. ”Sure,” GOD says, ”Go right ahead”. ”OK,” the man says. ”Why did you make women so pretty?” GOD says, ”So you would like them.” ”OK,” the guy says. ”But how come you … Read more
Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?
Mum, is it true my baby sister came from Heaven?Yes, that’s right. Well, I don’t blame God for chucking her out.
How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
How to you know that cows will be in heaven?It’s a place of udder delight.
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.