How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
Question: How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed? Answer: When the big hand is on the little hand.
Bed Jokes
President Obama says that he prays every night before bed
President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, ‘Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.’ –Conan O’Brien
When does John McCain usually go to bed?
Question: When does John McCain usually go to bed? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
Question: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed? Answer: Who cares?
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Question: What did the blanket say to the bed? Answer: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
Question: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? Answer: A water bed!
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
Question: Why should you take a pencil to bed? Answer: To draw the curtains!
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
Question: What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A. A cookie sheet!
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
Question: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A. Because he wanted to sleep like a log!
What do you call a mummy eating in bed?
Question: What do you call a mummy eating in bed? A. A crummy mummy.
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed?No, because it hasn’t been made up yet.
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep?ANSWER: Because he’s afraid someone would look through the keyhole.
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed
Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. ”Slow down, baby,” she said. ”Foreplay is an art.” ”You better get your canvas ready soon,” he panted, ”because I’m about to spill my paint!”
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bed ! Bed who?
Knock Knock Who’s there ! Bed ! Bed who ?Bed you can’t guess who I am!
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. ‘What’s wrong?
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. ”What’s wrong?” asked his mother. ”Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?” he sobbed. ”In a way they do,” said his mother. ”And when they die so they turn back to dust?” ”Yes, they do.” The little boy began to cry again. … Read more
What do tigers wear in bed?
What do tigers wear in bed ?Stripey pyjamas !
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma’s bed?
Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma’s bed?Fred: Because I couldn’t find a snake.
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?
Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do?Saw the legs off of your bed!
Chuck Norris’s bed is a tarp
Chuck Norris’s bed is a tarp spread between four peeled Redwoods. Contrary to what you might expect, he did not scare the bark off the trees, there just isn’t any more room to carve notches for all the women he’s had sex with.
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up. Woman: ”Quick! My husband is back!” Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: ”Shit! But I am the husband!”
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?To feed her nightmare.
When is your mind like a rumpled bed?
When is your mind like a rumpled bed?When it isn’t made up yet.
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. ”I’ve just bought a pig,” said the first. ”But where will you keep it?” said the second. ”Your yard’s much too small for a pig!” ”I’m going to keep it under my bed,” replied his friend. ”But what about the smell?” ”He’ll soon get used to … Read more
Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed?
Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed?Jane: I can’t answer. I didn’t know I was supposed to keep count!
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?Sleep in the wardrobe.
Sam was on his death bed
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room. Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, ”That’s it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.” Sam’s wife looked at … Read more
Your mama so fat that when she wanted a water bed
your mama so fat that when she wanted a water bed, they had to put a cover over the Atlantica Ocean.
I don’t think my Mom knows much about children. Why do you say that?
I don’t think my Mom knows much about children. Why do you say that?Because she always puts me to bed when I’m wide awake, and gets me up when I’m sleepy!
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?You wake up wet !
When Mr. Maxwell’s wife left him he couldn’t sleep. ‘She took the bed!’
When Mr. Maxwell’s wife left him he couldn’t sleep. ”She took the bed!”
A woman and her lover are on the bed
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman’s home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. ”Oh, no, it’s my husband!” The man says, ”Where’s your back door?” ”We don’t have a back door” says the woman. The man then asks, ”Well, where do you … Read more
Why did the bed spread?
Why did the bed spread?Because it saw the pillow slip.
Why do people go to bed?
Why do people go to bed?Because the bed won’t come to them.
If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have?
If you put 30 female Apes and 30 male Apes in a bedroom, what do you have?A very large bedroom.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
What animals do you bring to bed?
What animals do you bring to bed?Your calves.
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?Run!
When does a bed grow longer?
When does a bed grow longer?At night, because two feet are added to it.
Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?
Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?He wrote sheet music.
You can’t have any more chocolates tonight
You can’t have any more chocolates tonight. It’s not good for you to go to bed on a full stomach. Oh, Mum. I promise I’ll lay on my side.
Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
Why did the man take a pencil to bed ?To draw the curtains !
My head fell off and rolled away
I woke up, went for a walk, my head fell off and rolled away. I picked it up and put it on. A child walked up to me and said: ”Good grief, where are your feet?” I must have left them in bed !
What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?Cot-on-wool.
A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house
A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house after dark. ‘Hello, Jenny,’ said the neighbour. ‘Isn’t it time for little girls to be in bed?’ ‘How would I know?’ asked Jenny. ‘I haven’t got any little girls.’
I’d love you to stay the night, but I can’t
I’d love you to stay the night, but I’m afraid you’ll have to make your own bed. Oh, that’s all right, I don’t mind at all. Right. Here’s a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood’s in the garage. I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I?A bed
Why did your sister keep running around her bed?
Why did your sister keep running around her bed ?Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed
Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it’s daylight.
I love the lines men use to get us into bed
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. ”Please, I’ll only put it in for a minute.” What am I, a microwave?
How do you know when there’s a rabbit in your bed?
How do you know when there’s a rabbit in your bed?You can smell the carrots on his breath.
Doctor, doctor, I keep having strange dreams
Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming there are great, gooey, bug-eyed monsters playing tiddley winks under my bed. What shall I do?Hide the tiddley winks.